July 18, 2006 at 12:00 PM EDT

“The truth is, if we were gay, we would tell you, because there’s nothing wrong with being gay.”
Oprah Winfrey, on her close friendship with Gayle King

I woke up this morning in a particularly not-gay mood, and decided today would be a good day to inform you all how not-gay I am.

Let me preface this by saying: I wish I were gay, because it’s just about the coolest way to be. Gay people are awesome. I have LOTS of gay friends, some of whom are really, REALLY gay; others are just a little gay, like, weekend-gay. I love them all — but not in a gay way. Because I am not gay. Although I support gayness and all related charites. This would be a good time to make a joke about how “I gay at the office,” but that might make you think I’m gay. Which I’m not.

Why is it important for me to tell you how not-gay I am? Not for the sake of my privacy. No, no, I’m giving that up, in a way, by going on and on about my not-gayness. I’ve actually cracked the door on my personal life with this little revelation, revealing a world of hoochies, slatterns, and trollops, who are, even as I type these words, nibbling on my hard hetero earlobes.

(I even keep a girl in my desk drawer, just as a precaution. That’s how not-gay I am.)

Ahem.

Conclusion: It’s not to protect my privacy, which is best protected by silence, patience, and just-doing-my-job. By opening up to you about my not-gayness, I actually run the risk of two deadly criticisms: a) that “the lady doth protest too much” (rebuttal: I am not a “lady”); and b) that, despite my above protestations, I am homophobic (rebuttal: If I were homophobic, why would my towels match my shower curtain? Boo-yah!).

So why am I spending so much time, effort, and ink convincing you how not-gay I am? It must be that I distrust you, dear reader. As a public figure (and, let’s face it, straight sex symbol) in these unsteady and allegedly Rapturous times, I can’t afford even a whiff of suspicion, lest the hillbilly hoards turn on me. What’s more, by inoculating myself against these alle-gay-tions (a very straight coinage, I think you’ll agree), I am not only protecting myself, but all of my gay friends and, by extension, the entire gay community. The last thing my gay friends need is another gay controversy.

Can’t we all just get along? Without, you know, getting along too well (because I don’t swing that way, bucko, so back off)?

addCredit(“Oprah & Gayle: Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com”)

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