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''The Hills'': Heidi quits school and gets hired

On ”The Hills,” Lauren’s roomie Heidi blows off her first day of fashion school and gets hired to throw parties

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”The Hills”: Heidi quits school and gets hired

Phew, isn’t this a relief. Turns out Lauren’s finally gotten some balls, just in time for her to be the center of a spin-off show. (Or the producers decided a heroine with some chutzpah might be nice, depending on your particular ”reality”-show belief system.)

Girlfriend kicked off the episode by informing crazy-underachieving-attention-whore roommate Heidi that, hmm, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for her to crash the Teen Vogue party Lauren was working for her internship the night before. Oh, and making a big drunken fight scene with her boyfriend in the very section Lauren was supposed to be guarding for VIPs wasn’t too cool, either. Lauren’s Scary Editor Lady boss had noticed, of course, and darkly promised that a ”talk” about it was nigh.

Imagine how much better Laguna Beach would’ve been if Lauren had given it to Kristin like she gave it to Heidi in this episode. (And for the record, I do not mean ”given it” to her in a remotely vulgar way, despite Brian’s apropos-of-nothing goading of Heidi’s boyfriend, Jordan: ”Did you ever ask Heidi if you could have a threesome with Lauren?” Heh-heh. He’s a clever one.)

Scary Editor Lady did, of course, give it to Lauren — in the stern-lecture sense — as promised, come Monday. There was a lot of important-looking grimacing, but the upshot of the talk was that the woman’s got some pretty grandiose visions of the extent of her own power in the universe: ”I do not approve of any alcohol or substance abuse by anyone we know.” Really, I think ”Do what I tell you to, and don’t sneak your annoying friends into my parties” would’ve sufficed, but, hey, ridding Los Angeles and its environs of all drug and alcohol problems is a swell goal, too.

The tough-love cycle continued when Lauren and Heidi hit their first day of fashion school. Lauren’s wisdom, part 1 (uttered as Heidi started whining the second they arrived on campus): ”You can’t ditch your first class, Heidi!” Lauren’s wisdom, part 2 (uttered as Heidi stared at her computer-solitaire screen in the student lounge): ”Heidi, you can’t just walk out of a class!”

Later, when Heidi sought further whining refuge in BF Jordan, we reached full TMI Alert status on their sex life. After Jordan bemoaned being exhausted ”after last night,” Heidi said, ”I’d be tired if I were you, too.” And he shot back, ”You saying you tired me out?” Seriously, kids, enough already. Lots of intercourse, no threesomes (yet…heh-heh). We got it.

So then Heidi went all Lauren on us and snagged an interview for an assistant position at Bolthouse, this super-trendy and, apparently, generally awesome event-planning firm. She declared it totally, like, her ”dream job” and stuff. I mean, she even tried really hard to pick out her cutest tank top for the occasion and everything. (I personally found myself distracted by wondering what could possibly be on the ”résumé” she presented at the interview, but whatev.) After an interview that made Lauren’s less-than-amazing first meeting with Scary Editor Lady look sterling, Brent the Boss concluded their talk with one of those foreshadowing statements that both Laguna and The Hills can’t get enough of: ”I hate drama,” he told Heidi, ”so as little as possible.”

Naturally, she got the job.

She immediately called Lauren, who was hanging with fellow Teen Vogue intern Whitney, to share the good news — and the fact that she’d definitely be quitting school now, what with her dream job in the bag. And Lauren…actually…hung up on her. Just click, done, in the middle of the convo. Then, to add, well, bitchiness to bitchiness, she started singing ”Fashion School Dropout” to Whitney, with a cocky little smirk.

Maybe our little Lauren is growing up. Or maybe her actions are being manipulated by producers who realize it’s important to us to witness an evolution in our primary character. Either way, it’s summer, my brain’s still processing the Lost finale from a few weeks ago, and I’m totally down for some mindless, petty conflict. So keep bringing it, Hills girls.

What do you think? How long can Lauren and Heidi stay ”friends”? Which of the girls will screw up first, and worst? And are Heidi’s parents going to get a refund on her tuition?