Amy Ryan
May 17, 2006 AT 08:49 PM EDT

Sure, People got the scoop from Nicole Kidman’s own lips that she’s engaged to longtime beau Keith Urban (the happy couple, pictured), but PopWatch has managed to intercept a phone conversation (that never happened) between Kidman and her wedding planner. We’ve translated it from the Australian, so we may not have it exactly right, but we think it went something like this:

Nicole Kidman: So I want to invite all the Australian stars.

Wedding Planner: Russell Crowe?

NK: Yes.

WP: Naomi Watts?

NK: Of course.

WP: Paul Hogan?

NK: Okay, maybe not every star.

WP: Let’s talk about your entrance. You say you want to descend on a trapeze, singing ”Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend”?

NK: Yeah, that worked before. Keith will be waiting below, sitting in a chair with an acoustic guitar.

WP: And you want him to play something?

NK: Oh, heavens no. Have you ever heard his songs? ”Tonight I Wanna Cry”? ”Nobody Drinks Alone”? Way too depressing.

WP: So, will you be wearing the prosthetic nose then?

NK: The Academy liked it…

WP: And what about the altar?

NK: Well, at least this time, we won’t need a platform for the groom.

WP: And the vows?

NK: Oh, I was going to say something about promising to love, honor, and obey him. He’s going to promise to love and cherish me and forsake Renée Zellweger.

WP: Okay, and at the end, instead of doves, we’ll release 200 live kangaroos…

After that, we lost reception, but you get the gist.

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