EW Staff
January 13, 2006 AT 05:00 AM EST

”The reason why I’m here is definitely to find a husband. Hopefully, the Bachelor will be that guy because, quite frankly, my eggs are rotting.”
THIRTY-THREE-YEAR-OLD CONTESTANT ALLIE G., ON THE BACHELOR

”Dude, my name was Ashley.”
ASHLEY PARKER ANGEL, ON WHY HE ONCE WANTED TO BE KNOWN AS ”MATRIX,” ON THERE & BACK

”I want to take this moment to thank our Latino audience for watching. And for those of you who can understand me but who are not Latino, I want to commend you for learning a second language.”
CATALINA (NADINE VELAZQUEZ), SEEMINGLY INSULTING JOY (JAIME PRESSLY) IN SPANISH BUT ACTUALLY ADDRESSING VIEWERS, ON MY NAME IS EARL

”Sorry, sweetheart. I don’t speak maid.”
JOY, RESPONDING TO CATALINA, ON MY NAME IS EARL

”I’m not smart enough to debate you point to point, but I have the feeling about 60 percent of what you say is crap.”
DAVID LETTERMAN TO GUEST BILL O’REILLY, ON THE LATE SHOW

”People always ask me who the ‘we’ in ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ is. Maybe I’m a bad songwriter, but I thought it was obvious I meant me and Jack Klugman.”
BILLY JOEL, SHARING HIS ”SECRETS” ON LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BRIEN

”You know how sometimes during wartime civil liberties can take a back seat to national security? Well, I got good news and bad news. The good news is this: No Japanese people are being sent into camps. The bad news is that time you got hammered and drunk-dialed your ex-girlfriend that’s studying abroad and sang her that Wham! song that was your song, government’s got that on tape.”
JON STEWART, ON THE DAILY SHOW

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