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Emmys 2017
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''Apprentice'': Brian's team loses the ''Wars''

”Apprentice”: After a dull ”Star Wars” battle, Brian and Marshawn take a ride in the Taxi of Shame

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The Apprentice (Season 4)
The Apprentice: Virginia Sherwood

”Apprentice”: Brian’s team loses the ”Wars”

Oh, ducklings. Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo. How in the hell did The Apprentice manage to make Star Wars boring?? I’m flabbergasted! I’m bereft! Would somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way??

I had such high hopes, my friends. I mean, they even started with original content before the credits, and so, like a fool, I expected tonight to be all action-packed ‘n’ stuff! Clay was all pissed because Jason Schwartzman called him out for being a borderline anti-Semite last week, and the rebellion seemed imminent — he’d take no more of Alla’s domineering bitchiness, and there would be war! ”After the way I was treated last week,” threatened Clay, ”I don’t trust any of you!” Ooh! Yes! He’s like a gay Anakin, with all that rage!

But then the task wore on, and at the end of the day, there was no conflict, there were no light-saber battles, there wasn’t even an Ewok battle cry… just a dull task, two Best Buy box stores (considering this is all supposed to take place in Manhattan, btw, they sure have spent a lot of time in box stores this season), and an unsurprising double firing that basically amounted to the equivalent of that online reenactment of Star Wars that’s acted out by some guy’s thumbs — except I think the thumbs might make better Trump employees.

In good news, it appears Chewbacca will live to compete another day.

So, the task: Set up an interactive environment in which to sell Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith DVDs and videogames at Best Buy. The Project Managers: Mini-Muffin and Clay. The problem: I think maybe a grand total of one contestant had ever seen a Star Wars movie in their life. Brian: ”Randal, give me a rundown on Star Wars from Episodes 1 through 6.” Randal: ”Ok. The central character is Luke Skywalker…” I mean, gimme a break. There are ponies who understand the plot of Star Wars.

In retrospect, I should have known this episode would be a bust when Bill showed up to replace George, and Trump introduced him as ”always very exciting.” Yeah, ooh, that Bill is a freakin’ lighting rod of excitement, ain’t he? That pallor! Those tooth veneers! The rampant toadyism! Poor Bill. I want to take him out for a beer and make out with him for a good long time, and see if that snaps him out of this funk. Seriously. I would do that, if I thought it would help.

The biggest mistake of the night came when Mini-Muffin — a Manhattan native, born and raised in Murray Hill — decided it would take only 15 minutes to get from 57th Street and 5th Avenue to 26th and 12th. This, for any of you planning your next NYC vacation, is a physical impossibility, unless you have a spaceship. (That would have been cool, if Trump gave them all spaceships for this task. You know Trump secretly owns spaceships.) Instead, it took them 45 minutes, making them a half-hour late for the meeting, so the Lucasfilm and Best Buy execs had it in for Team Excel from the get-go. Alla set up a fun display over on the Women’s team, meanwhile, basically doing everything — so much so that when the Women inevitably won, they didn’t vote Clay to be exempt. Maybe the rebellion will start next week, in other words. At least tonight gave us a new Crappiest Reward Ever: Go stand on a roof in White Plains and listen to Bill spout clichés! Whee!

So Team Excel’s crappy display — featuring nary a Darth Vader, and presented by poor little Crutches at the last minute after Marshawn elected to try and save her own ass by dropping out of the spokesman role — got them a trip to the boardroom, where, in a strangely synergystic move, Trump kept calling Marshawn ”Martian.” I don’t really know what else to tell you here; it was just dull, people. So Mini-Muffin made everyone late and Marshawn shirked her responsibility and Randal was exempt and Rebecca’s the last genuinely hot contestant left… and Trump booted the only two options he had. As Marshawn and Mini-Muffin took the Cab Ride of Shame, Marshawn yapped away about something or another while M-M just sat there looking for all the world like he wished to be encased in carbonite, just to get away from her.

We’re down to six contestants, and by my math, we’ve got five eps left. That sounds about right. Let’s get moving. Randal vs. Rebecca. Man, tonight was boring.

What’s your take on the Star Wars: Episode Trump?