10:54 am Mere minutes away from the series premiere of Martha Stewart’s live daytime talker, and I’m feeling alternately excited and ashamed. So many questions: Will Martha use exciting words and phrases like chipoltle mayo, jicama slaw, and toile oven mitt? Has she trained her new dog Francesca (a first-day guest) not to pee in front of a live audience? Why didn’t I get up early and bake a batch of celebratory cranberry-walnut scones? God, I hate myself.
11:00 am Mini-aneurysm. Opening credits contain the poncho, the dogs, and Swing Out Sister’s ”Am I the Same Girl.” Plus the word “Omnimedia.”
11:02 am Quick comic montage of Martha’s employees wearing ankle monitors. Is it a joke?
11:04 am Here’s Martha’s obligatory tribute to victims of Hurricane Katrina. Please don’t try to be Oprah. Please don’t try to be Oprah.
11:08 am Phew. She didn’t try to be Oprah. Just a nice highlight reel of Martha’s previous visits to the region, highlighting the beauty of Louisiana and Mississippi, and their yummy regional fare.
11:11 am Gah! Just spilled Diet Coke all over my desk and shirt! (Thank God I’m not wearing my hand-crocheted poncho.)
11:15 am Martha meets extraterrestrial being Marcia Cross: ”You don’t cook? You don’t bake? You don’t make scrambled eggs?”
11:16 am Martha wishes every woman could ”be a little Bree Van Der Kamp sometime.” Oh, Martha, it’s Van De Kamp.
11:18 am Martha keeps confusing Marcia with her Desperate Housewives‘ character, calling her Bree, while teaching her how to… Fold. A. T-shirt. What the heck is she doing with it anyway? It’s not a fitted bedsheet!
11:21 am Martha’s giving her audience T-shirts emblazoned with instructions for folding a T-shirt. I wonder if you can order one on her website?
11:24 am Nominee for ”Martha’s Quote of the Day” No. 1: ”Are all the Desperate Housewives on a diet all the time?” Martha asks. Oh no, she did-un’t!
11:26 am Nominee for ”Martha’s Quote of the Day” No. 2: ”I don’t know why all of [the Housewives] are so hungry. In certain ways.”
11:28 am Is my cable reception okay? It kind of looks like Martha just put scalding-hot scrambled eggs in a pastry bag and is making Marcia pump them into hollowed-out egg shells. One of these women deserves an Emmy. The one who’s smiling while fighting back tears of pain.
11:29 am Mommy, what’s brioche?
11:31 am Ooh! It’s the ”What’s Really for Dinner?” segment, where Martha visits viewers’ homes and cooks with them.
11:33 am Nominee for ”Martha’s Quote of the Day” No. 3: ”I like big meatballs!”
11:34 am Mmmm, flank steak. And all I brought for lunch was a ham sandwich.
11:37 am We have a winner in ”Martha’s Quote of the Day” competition: ”I know every card game. I got Hoyle’s book of card games in prison.”
11:43 am Sisters Gerry and Nina are in the studio. ”You don’t grow your own canning tomatoes?” Martha inquires. Ouch!
11:47 am Fine camerawork shows a solitary noodle on the kitchen floor, where it fell when Martha threw it at the fridge to test its doneness.
11:48 am Shout-out to GE appliances! ”It’s almost likerestaurant quality,” Martha chirps. I’ll let it slide…After all, I’msure that set didn’t come cheap.
11:49 am Did Martha just tell Nina she needs a new stove, andthen not offer to give her one? Oprah would’ve totally given the woman,like, a yacht or something.
11:50 am Ad break. Kirstie Alley. She funny.
11:52 am The ad break’s over, but the love for GE continues.
11:54 am A making-of segment about Martha’s set. Feeeeeling verrrrrry sleeeeepy.
11:55 am ”There is no set in daytime history as sophisticated as this one.” Cue sound of needle ripping across a record. Who said that? And is he ready for Miss Tyra to deliver the smackdown?
11:57 am Standing ovation. Beaming audience. ”Tomorrow is poncho day with David Spade — and Elmo,” says Martha, beaming.
Well, that ought to be strange and awkward and a little bit fabulous. I’ll be tuning in. How ’bout you?