Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of July 29, 2005
1 PAMELA ANDERSON INSISTS SHE’S NOT ENGAGED TO TOMMY LEE ”I am NOT getting married. Period,” she wrote in an online letter. ”But my madcap comedy Stacked will be back on Fox in the fall. Question mark. Wait, I mean, period. Oh, this typing thing is way too complicated. Exclamation point.”
2 HUEY LEWIS TO JOIN BROADWAY CAST OF CHICAGO This is good news, but I’m guessing most likely not good for the News.
3 JUDGE ORDERS PROSECUTOR TO RETURN ADULT READING MATERIALS TO MICHAEL JACKSON Okay, but how much actual ”reading” is involved here?
4 CARRIE UNDERWOOD TO SING COMMERCIAL JINGLES FOR HERSHEY’S You mean, like ”Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t”? Because when I feel like a nut, I just watch Paula Abdul on TV.
5 JENNIFER ANISTON’S FORMER BEAU TO AUCTION OFF LOVE LETTERS That dude sounds like the pitt. . .sorry, pits.
6 JENNIFER LOPEZ WILL OPEN JLO BOUTIQUE IN CHICAGO After first opening a store in Moscow, she’s now going to try to succeed Stateside, making her nothing short of a modern-day Yakov Smirnoff! (Without the knee-slapping catchphrase, of course.)
7 SPAMALOT TO APPEAR IN VEGAS Except the show is shorter, and the role of King Arthur will now be played by a slot machine.
8 ROB SCHNEIDER AND HILARY DUFF TO HOST TEEN CHOICE AWARDS Note to self: Avoid Deuce Bigalow sequel. Second note to self: Find a way to secretly record painfully awkward backstage small talk between Hilary Duff and Rob Schneider. Third note to self: Stop writing annoying notes to self.
9 ALEXANDER ON DVD And the award for worst dye job goes to. . .
10 LANCE ARMSTRONG RETIRES It’s a shame. He’s the first person since Stryper’s The Yellow and Black Attack! to make the color yellow even remotely cool. Okay, even before that.