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”Big Brother”: Another alpha male gets punk’d
Eric: I have no idea what you’ll tell your kids about the ”Big Brother experience,” but I have a sneaking suspicion about what they may ask you when you make it back home. ”Daddy, why are you so bossy?” ”Daddy, why did you act like a flaming butthole on national TV and try to pick a fight with that man?” ”Daddy, why did Mommy run out of the room crying every time you and Maggie hugged and talked about how you love each other?”
Seriously, it finally dawned on me during Maggie’s taped goodbye speech to the firefighter that this was more than just a strategic alliance between two emergency workers — she’s got a crush on the damn guy! And nothing’s worse than a lover scorned; she’ll stop at nothing to avenge her man (she’s got his hat on backward to prove it), so that means she’ll nominate Kaysar for eviction on Saturday. Or does it?
I hate that feeling of frustration after every Thursday episode, when the pendulum swings back and the jubilation I felt when the right person prevailed (Kaysar, you freakin’ god) is suddenly gone and we’re on to something new — and, quite possibly, worse. This is also where I should stop and acknowledge how we BB fans can be a bunch of impatient knuckleheads from time to time. There we were, only minutes into the sixth season and ready to throw in the towel because this house was a bunch of good-looking, busty boobs. And then — fight club. And after that — spelling bee. And then — more fight club. And then — Kaysar. Oh, sweet, dark, and handsome Kaysar; nothing turns a girl on more than almost besting Nakomis’ six-finger plan and pulling off the veto to end all vetoes to get Eric up on the chopping block. Genius! You were definitely a hero around the EW offices. (Okay, maybe just in e-mails between me and Dalton Ross.) But you were still the man. So why did you have pull an Eric and admit your whole dastardly plan to Maggie so soon after the veto competition? Couldn’t you have waited to gloat until you had the million dollars? Why did you have to give that little lovesick nurse one more reason to hate you? You said it yourself in the HOH room: ”If they know what’s good for them, I should be a target.” Well, yeah, because you got too damn greedy! Why?
No matter. First things first. Hoo. Ray. He’s gone. Fired. Torched. Love how BB history repeats itself and how early blowhards are eventually given their just reward. Serves you right, Cappy, for thinking you can act like a drill sergeant as soon as you set foot in the house and still have everyone believe you’re some kind of Gatorade-swilling softie who rescues kitties out of trees. Not that some of the hens didn’t fall for you hook, line, and sinker. ”Daddy, why did that girl call you Cappy? Why did she say her heart bonded to you the minute you walked into the house?” (Matter of fact, I’d like to know the answer to that, too.) All I can say is ”Daddy, you got some serious ‘splainin’ to do when you get back home.”
And now, back to the lovesick Maggie. Of course, she had to win that HOH competition, but it’ll take two weeks for her and the hens to wrestle power away from Kaysar and Co. Obviously, she’ll put my boy up on the block Saturday, and I suspect that James will join him, if only because the guy flip-flopped so much about his past that no one can actually trust him. (And yet, he shows no signs of cooling toward Sarah, despite his gal pal’s inability to spell cauliflower. Oy.) I can’t see Maggie putting up Janelle; if anything, Janelle’s the backup pick should someone use the veto to save Kaysar.
My hope? Someone on Kaysar’s side — that means you, Howie — starts to work his charm on Beau and gets him to leave the henhouse. That guy has swing vote written all over him (though he’s turned out to be anything but another marvelous Marcellas, by the way — my bad). Besides, he’s the only one over there who seems worthy to leave the dark side and come to the light. Honestly, do we really care about April? Why did Julie ask that silly PB&J question of her when she really should have said, ”April, if you hadn’t said that stupid thing to Yvette about how God meant you to be there when she revealed her homosexuality, I wouldn’t have noticed you at all. Seriously, why are you still here?”
So what do you think? Is Kaysar a goner? Did you agree with James when he compared Eric to a cult leader? Is Janelle better as a brunette or a blonde? And did you know how to spell rhubarb before last Saturday?