July 21, 2005 at 12:00 PM EDT

(If we ran Hollywood, this memo wouldn’t be fake. Herewith, our corporate daydream of Wisterian proportions…)

From: Marc Cherry, Desperate Housewives creator

To: Desperate Housewives staff

It has come to my attention that our rivals at CBS are attempting to take down our season premiere with a new movie that combines two can’t-miss TV elements: Martha Stewart and women behind bars. This is clearly an effort to siphon off some of our loyal gay audience, and I’m not having any of it!

Our casting director is already on the phone with Ms. Stewart’s camp, discussing the prospect of her playing Bree’s boozy, white-trash sister, fresh off the Greyhound for Rex’s funeral, but I’m open to any and all suggestions for how best to utilize her unique talents on Wisteria Lane. (Ideas that might provide a special Emmy highlight-reel moment for Eva and/or Nicolette are strongly encouraged and should be posted on Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch.)

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