Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of July 22, 2005
1. CATHERINE ZETA-JONES TELLS STALKER, ”YOU ARE JUST A CRIMINAL” To which the stalker replied: ”Yeah, no duh, Einstein. That’s why I’m going to freakin’ jail!”
2. PAULY SHORE OFFERS MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE IF YOU DO NOT LAUGH AT HIS NEW REALITY SHOW Unfortunately, the offer does not extend to Bio-Dome. Or Jury Duty. Or Son-in-Law. Or else we’d all be filthy rich.
3. SCIENTISTS SAY DEBRIS FROM BLASTED COMET AS FINE AS POWDER Millions of degenerates celebrated until the follow-up announcement: ”And no, that does not mean you can snort it.”
4. CHARLESTON, W. VA., THROWS BEN AFFLECK AND JENNIFER GARNER A BABY SHOWER What do you get the father who has everything? Oh, right — his movie career back.
5. ELMO BEGINS MAKING PERSONALIZED PHONE CALLS For just $2.49, Elmo will call and tell your child that ”going to the dentist was fun!” In other words, he’ll lie like a furry red bastard.
6. TIFFANI THIESSEN MARRIES ACTOR BRADY SMITH Her divorce from the word Amber, however, appears sadly permanent.
7. WEBSITE STARTS ONLINE PETITION TO GET LINDSAY LOHAN TO EAT MORE Okay, but where’s the petition asking her to stop starring in Disney remakes? Seriously, we’re getting awfully close to entering Shaggy D.A. territory here.
8. LEONARDO DICAPRIO REPORTEDLY BUYS A CARIBBEAN ISLAND Let’s hope this beach is better than, well, The Beach.
9. THE BEATLES NAMED AMAZON.COM’S BEST-SELLING MUSICIANS C’mon, what fun is that? I say we take someone like the BulletBoys to the top. I mean, did the Beatles ever come up with pure poetry like the ever-so-subtle ”Smooth up in Ya”?
10. SIXTY-SEVEN COWS TEST NEGATIVE FOR MAD COW DISEASE Hear that, Lindsay? It’s burger time.