Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of June 10, 2005
1 REV. JESSE JACKSON SAYS MICHAEL JACKSON WANTS TO BUILD THEME PARK IN AFRICA Don’t mock it — that Bubbles the chimp is one hell of an advance man. Or. . .chimp.
2 TOM DELAY UPSET ABOUT BEING MENTIONED ON EPISODE OF LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT ”C’mon, a freakin’ spin-off?” huffed the House majority leader. ”I don’t do spin-offs. That’s strictly minority-whip stuff.”
3 GARTH BROOKS GETS ENGAGED TO TRISHA YEARWOOD This will actually be the third marriage for Brooks, following ill-fated unions with both Sandy Mahl and Chris Gaines.
4 NEW BOB GELDOF CHARITY CONCERTS TO FEATURE U2, R.E.M., DURAN DURAN, AND A-HA Wait a sec — what year is this, 1985? Should we track down Kajagoogoo while we’re at it?
5 MARIAH CAREY BECOMES MOST SUCCESSFUL FEMALE SINGLES ARTIST EVER Her 16 chart-toppers put her behind only Elvis and the Beatles. And you just know she’s got plenty of hits, crappy movies, and TRL stripteases left in her.
6 OLIVER STONE ARRESTED FOR DUI Conspiracy!
7 NINE INCH NAILS DROP OUT OF MTV MOVIE AWARDS AFTER CHANNEL REFUSES TO LET BAND USE PHOTO OF PRESIDENT BUSH AS BACKDROP However, Dick Wolf took the opportunity to immediately issue Trent Reznor a lifetime pass to appear on all Law & Order programs.
8 THE CUT DEBUTS It’s Project Runway, minus the crazy chick.
9 23-YEAR-OLD CANADIAN NATALIE GLEBOVA WINS MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT But they’re all winners, really. Especially the ones who posed in front of sacred Bangkok temples in their bikinis. Classy stuff.
10 POSSIBLE LINK FOUND BETWEEN VIAGRA AND BLINDNESS Pray to God you can read this. And, if not, here’s to a good time while it lasts.