With its first season coming to a close, it’s still tough to decide whether Desperate Housewives should be labeled a comedy or a drama. Most fans, however, can agree on one thing: Bree (Marcia Cross) drops more hilarious one-liners in a single episode than the average network sitcom does in a whole year. Add in a steady stream of sound bites from Gabrielle, Lynette, and Susan, and it’s easy to see why ABC’s Sunday-night soap is so thoroughly addictive.
If you’re worried about experiencing Desperate withdrawal symptoms in the coming summer months, fret not. Our list of season one’s 10 best Housewives zingers can be your not-so-secret fix. You can help your fellow addicts by adding your own favorite lines to the message board below.
10 ”I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother’s grave when it hits.”
— Gabrielle (Eva Longoria), to husband Carlos (Ricardo Chavira), after he convinces her that his mother is to blame for her pregnancy
9 ”As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to find the most vindictive lawyer I can find. And together, we will eviscerate you. I will take away your money, your family, and your dignity. And I am thrilled you still love me. Because I want what’s going to happen to you to hurt as much as humanly possible. I’m just so glad you didn’t die before I told you that.”
— Bree, to Rex (Steven Culp), who’s in a hospital bed recovering from a heart attack
8 ”I’m adorable crazy — he’s rampage crazy.”
— Susan (Teri Hatcher), to daughter Julie (Andrea Bowen) about Julie’s potential boyfriend Zach (Cody Kasch)
7 ”Think about something unpleasant. Disease…famine…hoboes.”
— Bree to her ”platonic friend” George (Roger Bart), after he becomes visibly aroused in public
6 ”I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that?”
— Lynette (Felicity Huffman) to her difficult boys
5 ”Why don’t I just put them back in me and cook ’em until they’re civilized?”
— Lynette, to husband Tom (Doug Savant), discussing ways to deal with their children
4 ”It’s just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don’t want to be thinking about her while I’m spanking you with a leather strap.”
— Bree, trying to negotiate an S&M ”control word” with Rex
3 ”We’re not negotiating my uterus.”
— Gabrielle, to Carlos, when he suggests that their decision not to have kids is up for ”renegotiation”
2 ”To be honest, the only thing I don’t like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications, but I’m just not a fan.”
— Bree, to her marriage counselor, Dr. Goldfine (Sam Lloyd)
1 ”Rex cries after he ejaculates.”
— Bree, when it’s her turn to confide something embarrassing at a dinner party
What do you think? Did we list all your favorite lines? If not, post yours here!