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TV's funniest quotes from May 14 to 21, 2005

TV’s funniest quotes from May 14 to 21, 2005 — We pick our favorite quips from talk shows and sitcoms

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”I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother’s grave when it hits.”
GABRIELLE (EVA LONGORIA), to husband Carlos (RICARDO ANTONIO CHAVIRA), AFTER HE CONVINCES HER THAT HIS MOTHER IS TO BLAME FOR HER PREGNANCY, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

”I’m sorry — I don’t get references before 1990.”
SUMMER (RACHEL BILSON), AFTER REED (MARGUERITE MOREAU) TELLS HER, ”YOU ARE THE NICO OF THE GROUP,” ON THE O.C.

”New images taken of an object five times the mass of Jupiter confirm that it is actually a giant planet closely orbiting a distant star and not, as I first reported, your momma.”
TINA FEY ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

”A school superintendent in Michigan banned the McCord Middle School band from performing the song ‘Louie Louie,’ because of its allegedly raunchy lyrics. The superintendent has also banned the clarinet, because, ‘it just don’t look right.”’
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

”Chloe, we don’t have time for your personality disorder!”
CTU HONCHO BUCHANAN (JAMES MORRISON) TO PATHOLOGICALLY FUSSY COMPUTER GEEK CHLOE (MARY LYNN RAJSKUB), ON 24

”I’ve done stuff I ain’t proud of — and the stuff I am proud of is disgusting.”
A REPENTANT MOE ON THE SIMPSONS

”Rory, in order for my dad to be truly disappointed in you, your name would have to be Logan.
LOGAN (MATT CZUCHRY), ON GILMORE GIRLS

”They’re teenagers. They’d sooner notice a 2 for 1 sale on Strydex pads,”
HAROLD (TOM AMANDES), DISCUSSING THE OBLIVIOUSNESS OF HIS CHILDREN, ON EVERWOOD

”Maybe I’m a control-freak, power-hungry, crazy dude, but I don’t think so.”
CHRIS MOORE< AFTER CURSING OUT AN ASSISTANT FOR NOT INVITING HIM TO A SCREENING, ON PROJECT GREENLIGHT

”This Sunday is Mother’s Day. This year the most popular Mother’s Day gifts are: flowers, candy, and a date with Ashton Kutcher.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

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