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EW asks Jon Cryer Stupid Questions

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What’s the deal with Jon Cryer? Just when we had him all good and pigeonholed — he is forever our Duckie! — Mr. Pretty in Pink had to go out and get himself a hit TV show: Two and a Half Men. Before the CBS sitcom wraps up its second season on May 23, we posed a few pressing questions to a certain beloved cult icon. And by pressing we mean. . .stupid.

I heard that you auditioned for the role of ”half a man” but were turned down. True?

Sadly, yes. It’s because I’m so damn manly. They said, ”Who’d buy that? Jon Cryer? Half a man? Yeah, right!” I ooze manhood — and I’m getting that checked out.

So where exactly do you keep the other ”half a man”?

There’s an umbrella stand by the door and he lives in there. His name is Clarence. He tells me to do things. I won’t do them.

If I were to address you as Duckie, which would I be more likely to receive: warm embrace or blunt trauma to the face?

A warm embrace. And then I may well start humping your leg. I hope that’s not inappropriate.

Looking back, did you play Duckie. . .or did Duckie play you?

Whoa. I’m rethinking my entire life now. I — I — I feel so. . .used.

Pretty in Pink‘s Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy reteamed without you in a movie called Fresh Horses. Don’t you think an actor should also be judged for the work he didn’t do?

Sure. Actually, there was a part they did want me for, but they realized that would be insane. I believe a young man by the name of Ben Stiller played the part. Who knows what happened to him? I don’t want to throw failure in his face. That would be rude.

You were supposed to read for the role of Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs, but you were babysitting your niece at the time and didn’t want to bring a toddler to that type of audition. Your niece must now be in high school. Do you still hate her?

I loathe the child. Generally, I do blame my own faults on others — and she is no exception.

Your 1987 film Hiding Out was once titled Adult Education. What would have happened if it were released under that more provocative name?

The movie would have grossed tens of millions more, just from getting the Learning Annex crowd in.

Not to mention the adult-movie demographic.

But more Learning Annex. Then again, most of the movies I’ve done sound like gay porn. Hot Shots! Dudes. Pretty in Pink. Morgan Stewart’s Coming Home. So Adult Education would have fit right in.

When you don’t get your way in your overprivileged celebrity life, are you more of a crier or a screamer?

I’m definitely a crier. Then I become a passive-aggressive diva. But it’s not very successful when your onstage fits are really, really quiet. They’ll even shut off the lights, everybody will go home, and I’ll be in the middle of the stage, just standing there, silently. Someday they will understand my rage.

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