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TV's funniest quotes from April 12 to 19, 2005

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”It’s like finding a unicorn, Zach. It’s like finding a really hot unicorn.” SETH (ADAM BRODY), AFTER HE AND FELLOW FANBOY ZACH (MICHAEL CASSIDY) MEET A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO LIKES COMIC BOOKS, ON THE O.C.

”Cockney? I can barely speak English!” TIFFANY, LAMENTING A DIALECT LESSON, ON AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

”When I need to talk to Ray about my feelings or our children, I know I have until the commercial’s over. That gives me 30 seconds. And if there’s a girl in the commercial, or a truck, with big wheels, or, God forbid, a monkey, forget it!” DEBRA (PATRICIA HEATON) ON EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND

”Over the weekend, Prince Charles married Camilla Parker-Bowles, and Phil Collins was one of the guests. In fact, at one point, Phil Collins looked around and said, ‘Wow I’m the best looking person here.’ ” Conan O?Brien on Late Night with Conan O?Brien

”On her website Tuesday, Britney Spears announced that she and husband Kevin Federline are going to have a baby, Or, as Britney put it, ‘My new baby drops in September, y’all.”’ Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live

”Now let’s go slit each others’ throats.” Bren, after hugging his teammate, Alex, as the two were about to face Donald Trump in the boardroom, on The Apprentice

”I didn’t really say much — just listened and just sat there in Gulagerville.” Director John Gulager on a meeting discussing all the problems with his film on Project Greenlight

”I’ve got a roast in the. . .freezer.” Lynette (Felicity Huffman), explaining to her neighbor, Mrs. McCluskey (Kathryn Joosten), why she can’t accompany her to the emergency room, on Desperate Housewives

”I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said that she doesn’t like to gamble. Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn’t smack her.” Pam (Jenna Fischer), about deciding what color streamers to use for an employee’s birthday party, on The Office

”I’m not comfortable with putting a sword in Krisily’s hand.” Bachelorette Sarah W., who’s about to fence with her romantic rivals, on The Bachelor

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