Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of April 29, 2005
1 LAS VEGAS HONORS SEAN COMBS WITH ”DIDDY DAY” Diddy Day — I love it! And quite a departure from ”Lose Your Life Savings on Slots, Strippers, and Crappy Buffets Day,” which I believe is still in effect the other 364.
2 MICHAEL IMPERIOLI SAYS THERE COULD BE A SEVENTH SOPRANOS SEASON Wait, does this constitute snitching?
3 CONTEST ANNOUNCED TO BECOME FAT JOE’S INTERN FOR A DAY Less clear are what said intern duties entail — although I have a feeling the words ”Fetch me a damn Slurpee, you punk-ass bee-yotch” may come up at some point.
4 BRUCE WILLIS INDUCTED INTO FRENCH ORDER OF ARTS AND LETTERS ”Vive la France!” he said, which I think is as close to ”Yip-pee-ki-yay, motherf—er!” as he could get in French.
5 FDA ADVISERS RECOMMEND LIFTING SILICONE IMPLANT BAN I’m pretty sure Vegas is already planning a day of celebration for this, too.
6 ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW TO BE FOCUS OF MAY 1 COLD CASE EPISODE Awesome! Does this mean I can bust out my old Frank-N-Furter fishnets? And if so, is it okay if I wear ’em for 60 Minutes, too? There’s just something about Steve Kroft. . .
7 FRED DURST SHOPPING OWN REALITY SHOW TO NETWORKS [Insert sound of crickets chirping.]
8 NICOLE RICHIE REPORTEDLY LEAVING THE SIMPLE LIFE AFTER RIFT WITH PARIS HILTON Okay, that’s one down. Now, any way Paris can start a rift with herself?
9 STUDY SAYS DRINKING TOO MUCH WATER CAN BE DANGEROUS Oh, and try not to breathe while you’re at it.
10 EMMANUEL LEWIS STOPPED FOR SPEEDING; RECEIVES WARNING AND GIVES COP AUTOGRAPH Meanwhile, Gary Coleman just read this and tore his magazine into little shreds.