Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of April 22, 2005
1 THE AMITYVILLE HORROR OPENS Definitely the second-scariest film in the Ryan Reynolds canon after Van Wilder.
2 ANNA NICOLE SMITH BECOMES GOSSIP COLUMNIST ”You just have to read it and see,” she said at a press conference. ”It’s going to be very exciting. The column is new, so you’ve got to read it and see. It’s all new. It’s new and exciting. . . .It’s all new. . . .It’s great. You’ve got to read it and see.” (I think I just did.)
3 BILL RANCIC GETS ONE-YEAR CONTRACT EXTENSION That’s what happens when your possible replacements chew tobacco and try to talk gangsta like Lil Jon. Job security at its best.
4 COOKIE MONSTER TO CUT DOWN ON SUGARY TREATS Sellout! It’s not like you even have teeth, so what the hell are you worried about? You’re a monster, for crying out loud — live a little!
5 SALMONELLA OUTBREAK LINKED TO CONTAMINATED TOMATOES See, you don’t get that from cookies!
6 SAN DIEGO ZOO PANDAS GAO GAO AND BAI YUN MATE That Gao Gao is such a playa. I can just hear him now: ”Hey, mama, wanna come check out my bamboo?” Smoooooth.
7 GENE SIMMONS TO TEACH KIDS HOW TO ROCK FOR NEW VH1 SHOW Step 1: Lots and lots of makeup. Step 2: Tongue extensions. Step 3: Should you ever be inclined to ”put the X in sex,” please refrain from writing a song about it.
8 DYNASTY ON DVD You suddenly want to slap someone, don’t ya?
9 AUSTRALIAN MAGAZINE LISTS NICOLE KIDMAN AS SECOND-WEALTHIEST AUSSIE PERFORMER IN 2004 Although it must be a bit tough to be bested by a band who sings about a dude named Captain Feathersword. Damn you, Wiggles!
10 PENÉLOPE CRUZ NAMES CHARLIZE THERON AS BEST ON-SCREEN KISSER Meanwhile, Gene Simmons just ditched his kids to go buy every remaining copy of Head in the Clouds.