Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of April 15, 2005
1. BBC REQUESTS INTERVIEW WITH BOB MARLEY Why stop there? I’m sure Hendrix, Joplin, and Cobain would love to sit for a chat. (Morrison is such a bore, though.)
2. CARRIE FISHER PLANS STAR WARS TELL-ALL BOOK Chapter 1: Tosche Station — After Dark; Chapter 2: Wookiees Gone Wild!; Chapter 3: Why Do I Keep Slipping Into a Fake English Accent Whenever Sharing a Scene With Peter Cushing?
3. SASQUATCH HUNTERS ON DVD!!! Truthfully, I have no idea what this is, but if it’s anything like those Bigfoot vs. Six Million Dollar Man battles, I’m in. . . .Even if not, I’m probably still in.
4. RICHARD GERE DANCES WITH PRIME MINISTER KNOWN AS ”THE JAPANESE RICHARD GERE” What, was the Japanese J. Lo too busy embarrassing herself singing alongside the Japanese Marc Anthony?
5. ELISABETH AND ANDREW SHUE LOOKING TO CAST ACTRESS TO PLAY PART BASED ON YOUNG ELISABETH The phrase ”If the Shue fits” actually popped into my head for a second, and for that I want to apologize. To everybody.
6. PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY SHOOTING A MOVIE CALLED BOTTOMS UP You know what? This is just too easy.
7. FORMER 98 DEGREES MEMBER JUSTIN JEFFRE WILL RUN FOR MAYOR OF CINCINNATI However, whether his victory would be more or less humiliating than the city’s Jerry Springer tenure is still open to debate. (I’ll take ”more.”)
8. SINÉAD O’CONNOR IN JAMAICA RECORDING A REGGAE ALBUM I hear Bob Marley may stop by.
9. ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTURE ARTS AND SCIENCES TO SUE ALLEGED OSCAR TICKET SCALPERS For what? Choosing $30,000 over a bunch of White Chicks jokes? Geniuses, I say.
10. FEVER PITCH OPENS That’s the bad news. The good news is, if history repeats itself, they can’t do a remake until 2090.