Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of April 8, 2005
1 JURORS IN ROBERT BLAKE TRIAL DEMAND APOLOGY FOR BEING CALLED ”INCREDIBLY STUPID” BY DISTRICT ATTORNEY Of course, they spelled it ”apolagy,” but still. . .
2 SUGARLESS GUM MAY KILL DOGS And not only that, but once they die, their breath starts stinking again. It’s lose-lose.
3 CONTEST WINNERS TO HANG OUT WITH TRACE ADKINS AT A WAFFLE HOUSE AND TAKE HOME A JUKEBOX FILLED WITH ”UNIQUE WAFFLE HOUSE SONGS” And what kind of songs are those exactly? ”The Ballad of Aunt Jemima”? ”Straight-Up Butta”? ”The Day Trace Stole My Sausage Link”?
4 PAULA ABDUL PLEADS NO CONTEST TO HIT-AND-RUN Wait, is this referring to her musical career? Because I’m pretty sure Keanu Reeves and one MC Skat Cat would strongly disagree.
5 FANTASIA TO SING ON AMERICAN IDOL Sorry, but it can’t be half as good as the hilarity that will be Bo Bice on disco week.
6 WILL SMITH’S 12-YEAR-OLD SON TO WORK AS ACCESS HOLLYWOOD CORRESPONDENT Mr. Smith, I know we’re sorta close in age and I have two kids of my own, but can you adopt me?
7 VENUS AND SERENA WILLIAMS WILL STAR IN OWN REALITY SHOW Okay, but isn’t that pretty much what the Tennis Channel is for? That, and timing overexuberant ball boys.
8 RUSSELL CROWE’S BAND, 30 ODD FOOT OF GRUNTS, BREAKS UP Which I’m sure leaves the approximately 30-odd fans of the group really, really bummed out.
9 DONALD TRUMP RETHINKS ASKING MICHAEL JACKSON TO PERFORM IN CASINO But kids aren’t allowed in casinos, right? I’m only double-checking. . .you know, just in case.
10 BOW WOW HOLDS CONTEST TO FIND HIS BIGGEST FAN I would enter, but personally, I sort of lost interest once he dropped the ”Lil’.” Plus, it doesn’t appear that waffles are involved.