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''The Apprentice'': The cheesiest assignment ever

The cheesiest assignment ever on ”The Apprentice”: As the teams compete to create the best new pie, Alex acts like a meatball, and Chris melts down

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The Apprentice (Season 3)
Stephanie: Craig Blankenhorn/ NBC

”The Apprentice”: The cheesiest assignment ever

”You can only use your sex appeal for so far,” said Stephanie at the top of tonight’s Pizzapalooza, reacting to the booting of the Professor last week.

”You can only whine about the mean boys for so far,” said Whitney to Stephanie. ”Please enjoy a long and happy life of gazing up at your college degree on the wall and thinking hard about how you really do believe you’re so much better than everyone else.”

Argh, whatever. Tonight’s Domino’s commercial was sort of low on excitement. After the preview, I thought that ‘Roid Rage Chris was gonna push someone off Trump Tower, or at the very least set a trash can on fire. But no, all we got were a couple lousy f-bombs directed at Suddenly Macho Alex (who got switched over to Net Worth at the top of the ep to even the teams), and a bunch of people in unflattering polo shirts making meatball pizza. Snore. But on a side note, mad props to Papa John’s for running an ad smack in the middle of the show with the tagline, ”Why eat a pizza made by an apprentice?” Indeed, Papa. Indeed.

I’m not saying there weren’t things I enjoyed. For example, who can forget ‘Roid Rage’s monkey laugh at the top of the show, his jaw hanging open, tongue lolling out of his mouth, tickling himself silly over something that really wasn’t all that funny? Or how about his insistence on not chawing chaw, choosing to chaw sunflower seeds instead, and then warning Angie he might get a little bit ”short”? (Is that what we’re calling it now? ”Short?”) Or, I know! How about the way he basically molested Alex in the training center, grabbing his face and hee-hawing it all up in his grill? If I were Alex (and Suddenly Macho), I would have brought up the pawing to Trump in the boardroom for sure, cause it was way scarier than an f-bomb. Frankly, I’m surprised Alex doesn’t have people telling him to get the ”f” out of their face more often. (I base this solely on the way he was drooling out the window at the lady customers: ”You’re from Staten Iiiiiisland? I’m from Seattle!” Um, neat?)

But it wasn’t all Chris. Tana, God bless her, provided her own comedy hour, too, with comments like ”This isn’t rocket scientist” (thanks to the editors for the extra beat after that line) and her devoutly Italian spelling of ”mangia” as ”manga.” Yes, please sign me up for one of those Japanese-comic-book-and-meatball pizzas, Tana! Kendra freaked the hell out of me when she channeled Tana and declared Trump’s ”pad” to be ”bling-bling,” but luckily, she’d already worked her marketing magic by selling pizzas to surrounding businesses in a scheme reminiscent of her mini-golf miracle, and as she is the Future Winner of Apprentice 3, As Declared by Me, Whitney Pastorek, I think it’s okay for her to shut the brain down every now and again to save her strength. (She’s gonna need it if she wants to turn out better than Bill, who was once again released from the basement tonight, and I’m sorry, but is he working on some sort of jaundice-awareness campaign?)

What else, what else? Oh, I loved tonight’s Fake Business Moment with Chef Chris (not to be confused with ‘Roid Rage Chris) and Trump telling him he’s gotta learn to call the food at the grill the best in the city, not just Fifth Avenue. How did Cheffie miss that day of training? I also liked the split-second clip of a pony eating pigeons in the park. I shan’t comment on Stephanie’s admission that she’d never been on the subway before lest I require some sort of medication, and I’m also not going to worry about how they made so many pizzas in such a short amount of time working out of the back of a truck when my local joint has a hard time getting me one large pie in under an hour. Actually, maybe my favorite moment of the night was when Carolyn walked up to the Net Worth pizza mobile and Suddenly Macho Alex drooled out the window something to the effect of ”Gooood afternooooon! Can we interest you in a slice of deliiiicious oven-fresh piiiiiiizzza?” and Carolyn just sort of sighed, ”Okay.” God, that woman’s a barrel of laughs.

So, Bren and Tana and Kendra and Craig over at Magna (not to be confused with ”manga,” kids) sold like $100 more pizza than the folks at Net Worth, so they got to have breakfast with Trump in the bling suite. Meanwhile, back in the only moderately bling Apprentici suite, Chris expressed his dismay at Alex for telling people he threatened to kick Alex’s ass: ”If you’re not being honest with yourself, dude, you’re not being honest with yourself! I speak facts!” Dear God, whatever you say, dude.

In a fairly sedate boardroom, it came down to Stephanie, Alex, and Chris, with Steph trying to lay it all on ‘Roid Rage (”I’m not used to working in a volatile environment!” she quivered) as Alex simultaneously stabbed her in the back. (”For her, she did great,” was the nicest thing he had to say about her leadership abilities.) But I guess my problem here is again with the misleading marketing campaign. Comments from Trump such as ”Do you have, like, a psychological problem?” and ”Chris is a crazy person” and ”Were you spitting tobacco on the pizza?” led me to wonder why the hell they’re keeping Chris around, and to come to a conclusion that starts with ”r” and rhymes with ”ratings.” But whatever. Snore.

In other news, they killed a freakin’ shark on Survivor tonight. Did you see that?

What do you think? Why hasn’t Chris been fired yet? What do you think of Alex’s technique with the ladies? And what are Kendra’s chances of winning it all?