We now interrupt Celebrity Trialathon 2005 to judge our favorite embattled celebs on something much more important than their legal issues: their courtroom couture. Remember, it’s not what you did. It’s what you wear.
LIL’ KIM Accused of Perjury Verdict Guilty
Kim usually dresses in dental floss, so what a pleasure to see her dressed in ladylike Marc Jacobs ensembles, just like Winona Ryder during her 2002 trial — for shoplifting one of the designer’s tops, among other things (see: irony). Since both women were convicted, it’s worth asking: Marc Jacobs. . .designer of the damned?
MICHAEL JACKSON Accused of Child molestation Verdict Trial in progress
When not wearing pajamas, Jackson sports candy-colored suits by Willie Scott (Louis Farrakhan’s stylist). With his armbands, Viennese medals and umbrella-carrying valet (so P. Diddy), he looks like something straight out of Charlie and the Very Aristocratic Chocolate Factory. Weird? Yes. Shocking? Not really.
MARTHA STEWART Accused of Lying to federal investigators Verdict Guilty
The just-released Stewart’s legacy can now be summed up in four words: Poncho. Made. By. Inmate. The softer side of Martha? Sign of the apocalypse? Either way, can everyone just shut up about it already?
ROBERT BLAKE Accused of Murder Verdict Not guilty
Black suit + white shirt divided by absolutely no styling whatsoever = acquittal. Go figure.