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March 14, 2005 at 05:00 AM EST

Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the Week of March 18, 2005

1 USHER BECOMES PART OWNER OF CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
The pop star immediately promised to ”turn this thing up a notch.” No word on whether that includes ”giving 110 percent” and ”taking it one game at a time.”

2 VILLAGERS UPSET AT MEL GIBSON FOR BUYING FIJI ISLAND
Man, it seems this guy is constantly being crucified. Hmmm…crucified probably wasn’t the best choice of words in this instance.

3 JAY LENO CAN’T TELL MICHAEL JACKSON JOKES
Any possible way to increase the parameters of this ban? Just asking.

4 GEENA DAVIS TO STAR AS PREZ IN ABC PILOT
First up on her to-do list: Lower taxes! Next? Balance the budget! After that? Round up and destroy every last remaining print of Cutthroat Island.

5 ARKANSAS MINISTERS PROTEST NELLY CONCERT
That’s right, Nelly — you can bet it will be ”hot in herre” when you’re spending time…in hell!

6 BACKSTREET BOYS TO REUNITE
To quote one of their biggest hits, ”Tell me why.” No, seriously…I want answers!

7 SYLVESTER STALLONE’S MOTHER IN TALKS TO STAR IN OWN REALITY SHOW
Sure, this all may be a bit embarrassing to Sly, but imagine how she felt when he came out with a major motion picture about arm wrestling. Arm wrestling!!!

8 ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER WANTS TO BAN SODAS IN SCHOOLS
What, terminate Mello Yello? Damn you, T-800!

9 RUBEN STUDDARD SUES HIS GODFATHER
First he sues the 205 jersey guys, now he sues his godfather. Who’s next, Randy Jackson for constantly denigrating him as a ”dawg”?

10 SWISS WOMAN CAN TASTE MUSICAL NOTES
Unfortunately, it seems she’s come down with a bad case of food poisoning ever since the Backstreet Boys announced their big comeback.

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