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Oscar Stopwatch

We clocked the highs and lows of the film industry’s big night

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0:01 Hey, a montage of classic film clips — now, there’s a new twist! At least this time some prankster had the cojones to sneak in a shot from Free Willy. Nice!

0:05 After Chris Rock makes a joke about ”shootin”’ at the Source Awards, the camera cuts to P. Diddy in the audience. Not that he’s being stereotyped or anything. . .

0:14 What the hell is going on? All the Art Direction nominees are on stage. Did they not get seats?

0:30 Cate Blanchett stands in the audience to present the Makeup award. At least these nominees got seats. . . in the back row. Plus, the winners are reduced to giving their speeches at an aisle-stationed microphone. Welcome to the Oscar kiddie table, everybody!

0:32 Drew Barrymore is introduced as ”multitalented.”

0:33 I look up multi in the dictionary. Confusion sets in.

0:42 In Rock’s taped visit to Magic (Johnson) Theatres, we learn that White Chicks is the biggest movie of all time!

0:45 Pierce Brosnan walks on stage to the James Bond theme song, which would be perfect. . .if he were still playing James Bond.

0:46 Brosnan evidently drew the presenter short straw, as he is compelled to share the stage with a cartoon character, The Incredibles‘ Edna.

1:04 Mike Myers is introduced as ”lovable.”

1:05 I look up lovable in the dictionary. Confusion sets in.

1:14 Sideways wins for Adapted Screenplay. ”Here’s your bone — enjoy it!”

1:23 The Sidney Lumet tribute montage features screen legends Henry Fonda, Marlon Brando, Katharine Hepburn, Paul Newman, and. . .Vin Diesel on a really bad hair day.

1:35 Blingy Beyoncé sings ”Learn to Be Lonely” from Phantom. We haven’t seen this much crystal since host Billy went nude in 2004.

1:38 Beyoncé gets a standing ovation… from Jay-Z.

1:38 Wait, did orchestra conductor Bill Conti just tell me to f— off?

1:39 A gunshot-like sound is heard while Jeremy Irons announces the Live Action Short nominees. Quick, where’s P. Diddy?!?

1:40 Live Action Short nominee Taika Waititi (Two Cars, One Night) pretends to be sleeping. At least we think he’s pretending. Probably a toss-up.

1:45 Aviator cinematographer Robert Richardson’s moving Oscar dedication to his mother, who has spent the last 45 days in a hospital, is followed by. . .

1:45 . . .a musical selection from The Terminator. Classy stuff, Bill Conti. What’s with you tonight? Get some help for that anger.

1:50 Salma Hayek and Penélope Cruz put their second-language skills to use, as they are forced to pronounce phrases like vibrant soundscapes and auditory elements while presenting awards for Sound Mixing and Sound Editing. ¡Muy bien!

1:57 Salma Hayek won’t leave the stage! She also insists on describing Antonio Banderas as ”multitalented.”

2:18 Marlon Brando wins the death-montage applause-o-meter, nudging out Christopher Reeve, Ronald Reagan, and Rodney Dangerfield.

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