Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of Mar. 11 2005
1 MILLION DOLLAR BABY RULES THE OSCARS
Does this mean I can finally write about that damn plot twist? What’s the statute of limitations on these things anyway? Speaking of which: Rosebud? It’s a freakin’ sled.
2 THIEVES NAB $382,000 WORTH OF JEWELRY FROM JACK OSBOURNE
$382,000 of jewelry?!? Dude, that’s not all they stole. Seems they made off with your street cred as well.
3 HALLE BERRY SHOWS UP TO ACCEPT WORST ACTRESS RAZZIE FOR CATWOMAN
Hey, Halle, I thought that movie sucked too. Does that mean we can hang out? I’ll bring Doritos?
4 FILMING ON EUCALYPTUS POSTPONED. ONE REASON? RUSSELL CROWE’S OBJECTION TO A SCENE WHERE HE EXPOSES HIMSELF TO QUEEN ELIZABETH
That’s okay — I’m sure she’s willing to wait.
5 ASTRONOMERS DISCOVER NEW GALAXY
The bad news: It’s invisible. The good news: Its invisibility is a result of dark matter that exhibits a gravitational force that joins other galaxies together. The bad news: I have no idea what that means.
6 FRED DURST SEX TAPE SHOWN ON INTERNET
Oh, so that’s where the ”limp” in Limp Bizkit comes from. Got it.
7 SHARON STONE SAYS SHE WOULD CONSIDER ROMANCE WITH A WOMAN
As would I. Speaking of which — Halle, do you prefer Cooler Ranch or Nacho Cheesier?
8 QUENTIN TARANTINO TO DIRECT CSI SEASON FINALE
I’m guessing he’s not going to Kill Gil, but turning Grissom into a kung-fu-fighting street pimp or an assassin in a tracksuit could be a sweeps stunt for the ages.
9 JOHN TRAVOLTA MAY DO DRAG FOR HAIRSPRAY FILM
It’s a movie based on a play based on a movie about a fictional TV show. Only now Vinnie Barbarino is wearing a dress. Okay, I’m in.
10 BE COOL OPENS
No Vinnie Barbarino in a dress? I’m out.