1 MARTHA STEWART REPORTEDLY TAKING LINE-DANCING CLASSES IN PRISON I don’t know if it’s true, but picture it for a moment and you’ll find yourself in a very happy place. Of course, you may also find yourself with that Electric Slide song stuck in your head, so proceed with caution.
2 OLSEN TWINS TAKE CONTROL OF THEIR BILLION-DOLLAR EMPIRE Dave Coulier, you’ll never have to work again. Please?
3 A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT SENIOR CITIZENS CAN GET SMARTER BY TAKING A DAILY DOSE OF BOOZE You know what that means — kegger at Rue McClanahan’s!
4 STAN LEE TO CREATE RINGO STARR SUPERHERO CARTOON What are his superpowers, exactly? Keeping awesome 4/4 time and scaring off evildoers with really crappy solo records?
5 THE KARATE KID COLLECTION OUT ON DVD I can’t wait to check out the long-lost alternate takes, in which Ralph Macchio tells Mr. Miyagi, ”Paint your own damn fence, old man!”
6 FORMER RESTAURANT STAR ROCCO DISPIRITO UTTERS THE F-WORD ON LIVE RADIO SHOW Yeah, but at least we now know what the f— ever happened to Rocco DiSpirito.
7 SURVEY SHOWS 27 PERCENT OF KIDS 13 TO 16 HAVE HAD INTIMATE ACTIVITY But that’s nothing compared with the surge in sexual activity among booze-swigging senior citizens.
8 THE SUPER BOWL IS HERE! Subtlety, enjoy your vacation.
9 THE LINGERIE BOWL IS HERE! Yo, subtlety, get your ass back here — pronto! The Dallas Desire are being too…desirable.
10 THE SEA INSIDE STAR JAVIER BARDEM SUED BY WOMAN WHO CLAIMS HE BROKE HER NOSE WHILE DANCING DRUNK ”Come, let me take you on a party ride/And I’ll teach you, teach you, teach you/I’ll teach you the electric slide…” Dammit! I knew that would happen!