1 CNN TO CANCEL CROSSFIRE Thank God — that show stunk. No, you idiot, it was an intelligent back-and-forth discourse on politics. Shut yer yap — I say it stunk! Well, I say I can scream louder than you!!! Okay, next topic: Sisqó’s ”Thong Song” — I feel it’s a saucy party anthem for the ages. Actually…I agree.
2 WILLIAM HUNG SAYS HE ONLY WANTS GOOD-GUY ROLES Great, but don’t you actually have to be offered the roles first?
3 OLIVER STONE BLAMES FAILURE OF ALEXANDER ON ”A RAGING FUNDAMENTALISM IN MORALITY” Always a conspiracy with this guy. What about my ”raging suckiness” theory?
4 COLD REMEDY AD WITH MICKEY ROONEY’S BARE BUM BANNED FROM SUPER BOWL Let me get this straight — it’s an ad about not getting sick and it features Mickey Rooney’s butt?
5 LED ZEPPELIN TO RECEIVE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD If only I could’ve achieved something during all those junior high ”Stairway to Heaven” slow dances. Probably explains all the wedgies and the ”Whole Lotta Loser” nickname, though.
6 PAUL NEWMAN SURVIVES RACE CAR CATCHING ON FIRE Let’s see — incredible looks, storied film career, delicious salad dressings. Does this guy’s luck ever run out? And, more important, does his White Cheddar Genius Food microwave popcorn really make you smarter? Because that seems odd.
7 CATWOMAN AVAILABLE ON DVD Check it out — I dare you.
8 IN ANGRY LETTER, GEORGE CLOONEY TELLS BILL O’REILLY ”I DON’T MAKE AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU” Funny, I wrote him the same damn letter. I suppose mine’s less shocking.
9 STATIONS DROP HOWARD STERN FOR PROMOTING SIRIUS RADIO Serves him right for not just sticking to dwarf porn stars.
10 HOWARD DEAN TO RUN FOR DNC CHAIR Scream if you’re excited! Then again…might want to hold the scream this time.