”The Bachelor”: Slumber-party mayhem
Okay, if you had told me a week ago that I would be standing in front of my television screaming, ”Jayne? He gave a rose to Jayne? What is he, stupid?” I would have laughed gently while surreptitiously frisking you for mind-altering substances. I mean, from the get-go I’ve been calling the Florida dog groomer the most likely to hook our scarily tan bass fisherman. Hell, she and Lord Byron have perfectly matching leather-handbag complexions (and if they do end up together, I hope they drop by a dermatologist for a side-by-side mole check on their honeymoon). What could go wrong?
A big detour into crazy town, that’s what. Maybe G.I. Jayne had a bad slumber-party experience as a kid, but damn if she didn’t come completely unscrewed after Byron wandered away from the festivities to comfort a pouty Mary. (Not that I blame returnee Mary for being a tad freaked out by her flashback to bachelors past; even I’m still a little shaken up remembering how jolly Bob turned out to be a total grab-happy dirtbag.)
But back to Jayne and her nifty new She-Hulk personality. There was something uniquely disturbing about watching a grown woman dressed in a feather boa and ruffled panties clutch a sofa cushion to her chest and spit, ”Cry me a f–king river!” with more venom than a post-Britney Justin Timberlake. And all this time I thought Andrea was the girl most likely to hack her housemates into bite-size pieces. I guess it really is always the quiet ones.
As ugly as it was to watch, I was mightily impressed by how Jayne’s meltdown reduced Fish Boy to a terrified, sputtering five-year-old. But instead of cowering and squeaking, ”I don’t see a problem!” maybe he should have simply stood up, screamed, ”No rose for you!” like the Soup Nazi without the mustache, and stomped back to his apartment. Did he not remember he had a harem of willing women in hooker underwear waiting patiently to rub his feet and pour him soothing glasses of sangria? Oh, wait, I forgot. By-By is way into the lunachicks, so being verbally beaten down by Jayne is probably his idea of foreplay.
And since we had clearly entered an alternate universe where mousy Jayne is an anger-management candidate and hostility equals flirting, let’s talk about Krysta, who emerged as (I cannot believe I’m saying this) an almost sympathetic character, sort of like Courtney Love during her more sober trial appearances. The woman who seemed so interested in taunting her rivals and prancing around the pool in her birthday suit actually cried when she was eliminated. Cried! It was a miracle on par with seeing the Virgin Mary in a tortilla; sorta creepy and yet inspiring.
There’s no way to know if those were real tears or she just snuck some eyedrops, but if I didn’t know better, I’d say her little Grinchy heart grew three sizes that day. The only way the moment could have been more heartwarming would be if the other bachelorettes had joined hands and sung a Whoville Christmas carol, or if I could go back in time and erase all my memories of Krazy Krysta. Thank God Jayne has emerged as a card-carrying psychopath, because without Krysta it’s just not going to be as much fun anymore, whether we want to admit it or not.
(Before I forget, a big round of applause for Elizabeth, who made dating-show history as the first woman of color to last so far into the competition. Granted, we never found out anything about her or even saw her in focus until she was being punted to the curb, but hey, it’s a start.)
Oh, and let’s not forget the woman that Krazy Krysta dubbed ”melodramatic” and ”over the top” (you know you’re ready for shock treatment when Krysta thinks you’re a bit much): Andrea. I have no idea why the other girls were so surprised by her declaration of love for Byron, considering she’s done everything but throw herself in front of a moving vehicle to show her devotion to the guy. Now that Jayne seems almost as crazy in love as Andrea, I’m really hoping these two make it to the final round, because you know the loser will do something really dramatic, like loading herself up with explosives and finding the happy couple to give them a parting ”gift.” Now that would, truly, be the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever.
Do you think Jayne overreacted a bit? Are you sad to see Krysta go?