Snotty Witches in Teen Movies
I like my noses button, my hearts twisted, and my ladies alpha; and when it comes to teen movies, I root for the bitchy popular girls. For starters, they’re pretty. And I enjoy watching them move in packs, like malevolent deer. The high school catwalking of Regina George’s clique in ”Mean Girls” is much more rousing than all that slo-mo ”Reservoir Dogs” man-strutting. And it makes me want to apply lip gloss, a feat thus far unmatched by Quentin Tarantino’s oeuvre.
I also appreciate their ruthless efficiency, no doubt inspired by that haunting cheerleading haiku — ”Be Aggressive, Be-Be Aggressive!” In ”Sixteen Candles,” it was minidressed queen bee Caroline Mulford who kick-started a super-cool house party, while that mouthbreather Samantha whined her night away with a dork in a broken car. (And she was wearing a vest. Ew.) Nasty, hot girls are also guardians of conformity — the linchpin of the sheeplike consumerism that fuels America’s economy! Ponder this ”Pretty in Pink” equation: ”Artsy” Andie individualizes her gym-class uniform with a jaunty handkerchief. The cool chicks pick on her until she gets in trouble. Unique accessorizing=downfall. The Gap rejoices.
Everybody also knows that popular bitches rule — literally! Smelling of cotton candy and fresh blood, they are the true girl-power players in any school. As Miss Chandler, head of the Heathers, put it: ”They all want me as a friend or a f — -. I’m worshipped at Westerburg and I’m only a junior.”
Still backing the underdog? Well, chew on this: Popular girls are actually the real losers in any teen movie. Sadly, the ”nice” wallflower always scores the guy. Meanwhile, poor ”Mean” Regina got fat AND hit by a bus, a Heather gets murdered, and while nerdy Samantha was chilling her freckled ass on that glass table and smooching Jake Ryan, popular Caroline was left hungover, poorly coiffed…and sticky with Anthony Michael Hall’s dried saliva. — Gillian Flynn
Whether he’s dancing with wolves or Whitney Houston, portraying a web-footed drifter or apocalyptic postman, this guy ALWAYS gets some. And for good reason. Who, outside of porn, unsnaps a woman’s garter with more skill? Who delivers kisses with the urgency of an ’80s power ballad, bringing both parties to their knees (in three films)? Their KNEES! I don’t know about you, but I’m on my knees right now. — Mandi Bierly
In the Cups With Nikki Cox
Hey, how’s it going? I’m not sure you know this, but your portrayal of Mary Connell on NBC’s ”Las Vegas” has a pretty dedicated following among young, sophisticated women. Actually, it’s more like one woman who’s not so young and wears underwear from Costco. And it’s not so much a following, really, as it is an appreciation of your…um…oh, who am I kidding? It’s your boobs, Nikki; I just think they’re swell. Pretty huge, too. I mean, seriously, wow.