Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of July 23, 2004
1 UPN TO AIR REALITY SHOW ABOUT AMISH PEOPLE PARTYING IN L.A. ”Foremost in our minds…was to treat with respect the young Amish people,” said UPN’s president, who presumably then yelled, ”PSYCH!” at the top of her lungs.
2 KINKY CAMERON DIAZ ONLINE VIDEO Pay $39.95 to watch Diaz whip a guy in chains and then go topless. Not such a rip-off when you consider alternatives like ”The Sweetest Thing.”
3 SEAN CONNERY TO PUBLISH MEMOIRS Chapter 1: The Day I Met Honey Ryder. Chapter 2: The Day I Met Pussy Galore. Chapter 3: The Day I Met Q for Lunch. (Short chapter.)
4 THE SHAQ AND KOBE SAGA CONTINUES Sorry, Kobe, but I always side with the dude sporting the Fu Manchu ‘stache.
5 JEOPARDY!’S KEN JENNINGS PASSES THE $1 MILLION MARK Whatever…nerd! (I have jealousy issues.)
6 JUSTIN GUARINI IS GOING TO VASSAR! At least to appear in the Beach Boys’ stage show ”Good Vibrations.” Because evidently the song-on-sand flick ”From Justin to Kelly” has made him an expert on all things beach. As well as all things really, really sucky.
7 BACHELOR BOB GETS MARRIED It’s the LEAST dramatic wedding ceremony yet!
8 SPIDER-MAN STAGE MUSICAL REPORTEDLY IN THE WORKS Apparently, with great power also comes the great responsibility to put on a tacky tourist-trap show. What, is Dr. Octavius going to turn into a break-dancing octopus or something? Why, that’s almost as insane as…
9 MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL STAGE MUSICAL IN THE WORKS What did I tell you?
10 SHARON STONE SAYS BASIC INSTINCT 2 MAY BE BACK ON Cross your fingers. And your legs.