”Big Brother 5”: A bad turn for the mystery sibs
First, let me get the Thank Gods out of the way. Thank God “Big Brother” is back. Thank God I no longer have to pretend to care about “American Idol” or “The Apprentice.” Thank God my boy Dalton Ross handed the reins of this TV Watch over to me. Thank God Julie Chen is no longer sprinkling glitter on her bare shoulders before hosting the… Wait a minute. She’s still pulling that disco crap. Nevertheless, I take great joy in the fact I can now dwell for hours in the “BB” chat rooms, just so I can swap opinions about important subjects like how the fish tank is the new FOTH (that’s the “front of the house” cam, for you noninitiates).
And yet, don’t assume this whole column is gonna be a big wet kiss to “BB.” After all, this season’s idea of a new “twist” is “Project DNA: Do Not Assume.” What the hell does that mean? Do not assume the jelly will be grape? Do not assume there will be water in the pool? Do not assume a blood relative isn’t sleeping in the next room unbeknownst to . . . ? Wait another minute. All I can say is, poor Cowboy Mike, though I’m not sure which was the more jarring moment this week — when Mike discovered he had a long-lost purple-haired half sister in the house (Jennifer, who calls herself Nakomis) or when he said, “The margarita party was phenomenon!” Nakomis, meet your illiterate bro in a ten-gallon hat. I’ll admit I found this twist pretty darn cruel at first. (And I didn’t buy the letters from Daddy Dearest claiming he didn’t know Mike existed until now. As crazy Marvin would say, I believe that like buffalos flying out of my ass!) But hell, it was great “BB” TV — even when resident hot boys Jase and Scott (who need to lose the bandannas, already) assumed it was a predetermined strategy by the two. Now brother and sister are probably working at a disadvantage and through no fault of their own. (Heck, head of household Jase gave her the first eviction nomination, along with the other Mike in the house.)
As for the cast, I’ll admit Jase has a mighty fine set of pecs, but his presence in the house is way predictable, just like the tall, dark, and dunderheaded Scott, a near carbon copy of Roddy from “BB3,” minus the intelligence. And I’ve just about had it with the requisite hot brunettes (Lori), sassy gays (Will) and ditsy blondes (Holly). Would it kill ’em to cast a Latino or two? How about another one-legged jock like Eddie from “BB1”?
It is during these quiet moments of serious reflection and doubt that I turn to my online buddies for guidance and support. “Face it,” says Whymusti of chatroom 90, after reading my complaints about the cookie-cutter cast. “You’ll be enthralled in two weeks.”
Ah, he knows my type well.