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TV's funniest quotes for the week of April 30, 2004

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”He and I never really had a chance — there was always something there to screw us up. But now he’s not dating Madison, and I’m not dating any crack dealers this week.” AMY (EMILY VANCAMP), ABOUT EPHRAM (GREGORY SMITH), ON EVERWOOD

”I adore Edna. She is near mint and comes from a very limited edition — females who will talk to me.” COMIC BOOK GUY, ABOUT EDNA KRABAPPEL, ON THE SIMPSONS

”Furniture from the hit NBC reality show The Apprentice will be auctioned off for charity…. Among the items up for bid will be Trump’s specially customized office chair that hydraulically lifts and tilts to make it easier for the contestants to kiss his ass.” DENNIS MILLER ON DENNIS MILLER

”No — it’s National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot.” A DRENCHED PARIS (LIZA WEIL), TO A DORMMATE WHO ASKS IF IT’S RAINING, ON GILMORE GIRLS