Survivor All-Star: Monty Brinton/CBS
April 15, 2004 at 04:00 AM EDT

Survivor: All-Stars

TV Show
Current Status
In Season
run date
Amber Brkich, Rudy Boesch, Rupert Boneham, Tom Buchanan, Alicia Calaway, Rob Cesternino, Colby Donaldson, Richard Hatch (Actor - Survivor), Susan Hawk, Shii Ann Huang, Jenna Lewis, Jerri Manthey, Rob Mariano, Jenna Morasca, Lex van den Berghe, Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien, Tina Wesson, Ethan Zohn
Reality TV

ALL-STARS? Nah, they should call it ”No-Stars”

It is the most dreaded of words in the ”Survivor” universe. One we’ve all thought about at some point during this season, yet dared not utter. But the further we go, the more it rears its ugly head. You ”Survivor” geeks know what word I’m talking about — Thailand. (Did a shiver just go up your spine, or what?) The most predictable of all ”Survivor” seasons. Until perhaps now.

We were all so jacked for ”All-Stars” and to see this epic battle of heavyweights, and there have been some good moments to be sure — Lex versus Rob, Hatch versus Colby, Hatch versus the shark. But IT hasn’t happened yet. You know what IT is, of course. I’m talking about that one time at Tribal Council where your jaw drops open in utter disbelief.

It happened in Pearl Islands. It happened seemingly every week in the Amazon. Hasn’t happened here. Every ouster has been easy to spot, especially Kathy’s this week, and if Rob and Amber end up as the final two, it will be Mark Burnett’s worst nightmare (although with the success of this show and ”The Apprentice,” I don’t think homeboy is having many nightmares lately).

Someone needs to shake things up! Things are bad when one episode ends and you immediately already know who is going to go the following week. (How ya doin’ Shii Ann?) Maybe I’m just a bit grumpy because this week was the one standard ”Survivor” go-to-move that pretty much always sucks — the ol’ correspondence from loved ones episode.

Other than when Johnny Fairplay lied about his grandmother being dead (a despicable move, yet highly entertaining), this is always about people sitting under palm trees reading letters and crying to cheesy piano music. Hell, even I was crying — because I was so bored to tears. The only good thing about it was the triumphant return of Bucky Bo! Too bad I once again couldn’t understand a single word of what Big Tom’s son said, which works out just fine considering I have no idea what the father’s talking about either.

So once again Rob dominated the challenge, once again Rob made a smart strategic move in forfeiting his video message from his brother so the rest of the tribe could read their mushy letters, and once again Lex made a fool of himself. Dude, nice mohawk. What are you, 13? And I get the punk rock thing, bro — I once paid money to see a band named Doggy Style play? when I was 13. (Where I also completed my first — and last — ever stage dive, upon which nobody caught me and I slammed face-first onto the floor. You’d expect more dependability from fans of a band named Doggy Style, wouldn’t you?)

In any event, I’m praying Rupert or Alicia will finally start to mix things up a bit and give us a little drama. If it doesn’t happen soon, you’re gonna have to award ME the Tylenol Push Through the Pain Award for putting up with this sorry bunch.

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