Survivor All-Star: Monty Brinton/CBS
Dalton Ross
April 08, 2004 at 04:00 AM EDT

Guess who got played like a chump?

”I realize that I made a huge mistake. I made a potentially game-ending blunder in agreeing to keep Amber and get rid of Jerri, and I think I may be about to pay for it.” — Lex

Gee, ya think?!? Man, when it rains, it pours. Did you see poor little Sexy Lexy sitting there shivering in a thunderstorm at Tribal Council? Pretty brutal. But did you feel sorry for him? Of course not! Why? Because he brought the last episode’s biggest storm upon himself. Now, I know what a few of you are thinking: That Boston Rob, what an a–hole! He went back on his word! But you know what I say? Genius move. He actually got the opposing tribe to do his bidding and ridiculously believe that he would help them out in return.

It’s amazing how short these people’s memories are. I interviewed all 18 contestants right before the game and ALL OF THEM talked about how they expected EVERYBODY to be lying and double-dealing through their teeth. Lex himself went on and on about how cutthroat it was going to be. And now here he is on TV crying to Rob about how he didn’t keep his word. PUH-LEEZE! You got played, sucker. And besides, you deserved to get voted off, if for no other reason than that stupid sideways baseball cap you were wearing. What, are you auditioning for a part in a Kurtis Blow video or something? That look was so bad I’m convinced that’s why even Shii Ann turned and voted you out. Or maybe it was for agreeing to go along with that stupid-as-hell plan to keep Amber and vote off Jerri. Either way, they’re about equally awful.

Now, I’m dissing Lex, but in truth, his idiocy is EXACTLY what this show needed. Because it led to our first real confrontation of the season (unless you count Sue Hawk versus Jeff Probst). The biggest weakness of ”All-Stars” is that the contestants have been too respectful of each other. What’s all this crap about informing people they’re going to be voted off before you even go to Tribal Council? That takes all the fun, suspense, and anguish out of it. In fact, the only harsh words after being voted out have come from freakin’ Rudy, and I’m not even sure he knew what he was talking about. Where’s all that impulsive anger?

More importantly, how did Boston Rob win this week’s Tylenol Push Through the Pain award? From what I’m assuming, it’s for dealing with the emotional distress of being separated from his girlfriend, but isn’t that what beer is for? I mean, I don’t know many horny lonely guys reaching for the Tylenol bottle for relief in this department. Can we institute some sort of Milwaukee’s Best Horndog of the Week award instead? (Just don’t let Big Tom win. He’ll shotgun a six-pack in less than minute…. You think I’m kidding?) Obviously, I’m missing something with the whole Tylenol thing. (I do think Boston Rob should win next week for having to wear that ugly-ass Immunity necklace, though. That thing gave ME a headache.)

So, I hate to say it, people, but at this point it looks like Amber, the least deserving participant of ”Survivor: All-Stars” — one who Probst even ADMITTED was selected partly for eye-candy factor — may be on track to win this thing. Yes, Boston Rob is ruling the game, but he may piss too many people off to get the votes in the end (if he makes it that far). Amber, on the other hand, being the non-strategizing and thereby non-offending sort that she is, is looking good…and no, I didn’t mean in THAT way (although, I mean, she certainly doesn’t look BAD or anything). If you find the prospect of her winning depressing, just imagine how it feels for hardcore competitors like Colby and Hatch — or Lex.

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