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TV's funniest quotes for the week of March 26

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”The Passion of the Christ is already the highest-grossing R-rated movie…. It is also the highest-grossing movie ever made in Aramaic, surpassing the former titleholder, Look Who’s Talking Aramaic.” JON STEWART ON THE DAILY SHOW

”Ever since my role as bank teller on Mama’s Family was left on the cutting room floor, I don’t do TV.” KAREN (MEGAN MULLALLY) TO JACK (SEAN HAYES) ON WILL & GRACE

”DirecTV has filed suit against O.J. Simpson, accusing him of pirating its satellite television signal. In an unrelated story, DirecTV has been stabbed to death.” TINA FEY ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

”Convicted felon Martha Stewart met with her probation officer yesterday. She even had to give a urine sample, in which she tested positive for nutmeg.” JIMMY KIMMEL ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE