1 RUSH LIMBAUGH The radio talk-show host says he’s been abusing prescription drugs for the last few years. Yet President Bush agrees with his thinking on most subjects.
2 CHINA They’ve finally put a man in space. The hard part is talking them into bringing him back.
3 PET TIGERS They won’t allow them in my building. So I bought a pet chain saw and a pet Taser to go with my pet Uzis and my pet pit bull.
4 L.A. PUBLIC TRANSIT WORKER STRIKE It’s terrible. Tens of people may be affected.
5 BOB DYLAN They’ve remastered a bunch of his recordings so you can’t understand what he’s saying even better.
6 HEALTHY FAST FOOD More and more chains are trying to offer alternatives to their high-fat, high-calorie burger staples. It’s called ”cooking and eating at home.”
7 AOL TIME WARNER The media giant is dropping AOL from its name. From now on, it will be known as ”Time — What Were We Smoking?”
8 THE NEXT JOE MILLIONAIRE Desperate women chase a ”millionaire” who really makes only 11 grand a year. Wrong fork? He eats with the wrong fingers.
9 SKIN A show about a rich, sleazy porn king, his sleazy business, and his sleazy associates. All employees must wash their hands after watching this show.
10 BULLET-HOLE DECALS The latest auto fad makes your car look like it’s been strafed in a rap turf war. Sure to make Mom’s minivan a hit on the car-pool circuit.