1 THE SCHOOL OF ROCK Funnyman Jack Black turns a group of fifth graders into his sidekicks. Making them possibly the most educated rock band in America.
2 ANNE RICE The vampirish author is having a rummage sale at one of her homes. FAQ No. 1: Does blood come out of velvet?
3 THE BLUES A seven-part PBS series about the history of America’s roots music. Followed by The Whites, a one-part series explaining who made all the money from the blues.
4 LETTERMAN Did the Late Night host get hitched to the mother of his unborn child? Oh, I forgot — I’d be the last person he’d tell.
5 DENNIS MILLER Republicans want the comedian to run for the U.S. Senate in California next year. He’s not that funny.
6 NOBEL PRIZES Not nearly as big as Britney and Madonna kissing, but some publicity-grubbing scientists will try to cure cancer just to see their picture in the paper.
7 HOMEY SWEET HOMEY Rapper 50 Cent bought a 50,000-square-foot mansion that used to belong to Mike Tyson. So how much was Don King asking for it?
8 OLDER WOMEN/YOUNGER MEN One third of the single women between 40 and 60 date younger men. Because 99 percent of single men between 40 and 60 date teenagers.
9 CALIFORNIA JUNTA The world’s largest banana republic votes for governor, again. Next year they plan to replace the legislature with a focus group.
10 QUEER EYE They’ve ordered something like 40 new episodes of the cult hit. Where will they find that many pathetic, needy straight men? Oh, yeah: Mets games.