Jim Mullen
September 12, 2003 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1 GAS PRICES Let’s see, we cut back emissions standards, gave oil company execs big tax cuts, sent troops to Iraq for them, and they charge us more. Thanks, guys!

2 QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY The taste mavens will pen an advice book. Be the first in your platoon to get one!

3 ARNOLD The Republican candidate admits to having threesomes and smoking dope. Huh. So he does have a platform.

4 JENNIFER GARNER The CIA wants the Alias star to help them recruit college kids into the spy agency. Shouldn’t they be recruiting kids who watch the History Channel?

5 WHOOPI A new fall series stars the Oscar winner as a smoking, swearing, opinionated retired singer who runs a hotel. Who would stay there, Becker?

6 JACKO You and the kids can spend a day at his Neverland Ranch amusement park for $5,000. But it’s free if you drop off the kids and leave.

7 EXTREME TAILGATING What’s a football game without a gas-powered margarita blender and a $3,500 grill? We dunno. We never made it into the stadium.

8 DICKIE ROBERTS: FORMER CHILD STAR David Spade hires a family to give him the normal childhood he missed. He needed more suppressed anger to cut it as an adult actor.

9 GOT CARBONATED MILK? One company is betting the bubbly beverage will be a hit with teens and boost the ailing dairy business. Why not? Look what it did for beer.

10 ELLEN DEGENERES Her daytime talk show premieres this week. But should you really be watching it when you should be out looking for a job?

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