1 DEEP-FAT-FRIED TWINKIES The latest novelty food to appear on the state fair/carnival circuit. Finally, a breakthrough cure for America’s rampant thinness epidemic.
2 FREDDY VS. JASON The only place you’ll see more makeup fly is an Arnold Schwarzenegger — Arianna Huffington debate.
3 OPEN RANGE Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall save the old West from a greedy, rapacious land baron. So that greedy Hollywood stars can snap it up today.
4 MARS The red planet hasn’t been this close to Earth in 60,000 years. They like to check up on the crop circles now and then.
5 GERALDO RIVERA The 60-year-old reporter married a 28-year-old, his fifth wife. Except for the ’50s, ’60s, and ’70s, they seem to have a lot in common.
6 THE DEERSLAYER Prince William reportedly killed a small antelope with a spear while on vacation in Africa. It was an accident — he was aiming at the reporter.
7 FLASH MOB Hundreds of people are alerted by text messaging to show up at a certain time, and they do! The only hard part is getting Mom to drive you there.
8 ”FAIR AND BALANCED” Fox News says it owns the phrase and is suing Al Franken so he can’t use it in his book title. Fox also claims to own ”Paranoid and Petty” and ”Biased and Bigoted.”
9 MY BOSS’S DAUGHTER A film that sat on the shelf for two years until Ashton Kutcher became famous. Yeah, that fame thing worked really well for Gigli.
10 BACK-TO-SCHOOL FASHION Lots of clothes for teens have words like Sexy and Juicy written across the butt. It’s part of a new federal program to increase literacy in our high schools.