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A ''Lord of the Rings'' musical? Hear our songs

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Lord of the Rings Illustration by Thomas Fuchs

A ”Lord of the Rings” musical? Hear our songs

In the next two years, ”The Lord of the Rings” will be converted into an $8 million stage musical by a team of London tunesmiths. This sounded like such a good idea, we did our own adaptation for about $25 (adjusting for Twizzlers and Yoo-hoo purchases).

Hear staff writer Scott Brown’s synth-enhanced renditions, then click the ”continue” button to read excerpts from his lyrics.

Entertainment Weekly’s musical, ”Lord of the Rings”:


Lyric Sheet: Entertainment Weekly’s
musical, ”Lord of the Rings”

OPENING
”Mordor!”

(An evil — but hearty — march)

Orcs
Mordor!
It’s the joint with the Big Door!
It’s no day at the sea shore!
So you’d better beware!
(Down there.)

Orcs roar
Like the crowd at a Phish tour,
When the weather is piss poor,
And the stoners won’t share!

ORC SOLOIST
It ain’t easy, bein’ Orc.
”Tote that hobbit!” ”Kill that tree!”
Plus, we look like Mickey Rourke
After a long peyote spree.

[Chorus]
Mordor!
We did not vote for Al Gore!
And if that makes you all sore,
Well, that’s your loss!

And now it’s time to meet…our…Boss!

SAURON’S GIANT EYE
(In the style of a wistful R&B ballad)

I…
I am an Eye..
When I have a sty
I can’t blink away the tears.

Once…
I was more of a man
Then this dude cut my hand
Now I been outta play for years.

More than anything
I gotta have this tiny little ring,
This shiny piece of bling
Is all I need!
And then I’ll make this whole… land… bleed!

”Love Your Elf”
(Chili Peppers-esque rock)

LEGOLAS
The honeys dig my pointy ears
They think they’re kinda hot.
And don’t you know, they crave my bow.
My arrows hit the spot.

Don’t get the wrong message
From my long blonde tresses
The girlies linin’ up for my hot elf kisses.

Before you learn to love another
You got to love…your…elf!

Love…your…elf!

I killed ’bout fifty orcs today,
A lot more than the dwarf.
I’ll kill a hundred more before
My boat has left the wharf.

You don’t want any other elf
When you think about me, come touch your elf.

That’s right, I just rhymed ”elf” with ”elf”!
Whatchagonnadoaboutit?
Love…your…elf!

[spoken]
Somebody stop me before I…ramble on…

[repeat to fade]


”Precious (To Me)”
(A love ballad)

FRODO
You ask me why I bear this ring
This weight around my neck
Well, that’s ’cause if I put it on
I become a royal prick.

SAM
But together we can drag it back
To the Fires of Mt. Doom
And after Sauron’s flames are out
That’s when love begins to bloom.

[Chorus]
FRODO
And that’s precious!
Precious!
To me!

SAM
I am yours and you are mine…

FRODO
Precious!
Now let us
Be free!

SAM
Gimme a ring sometime…

FRODO
(spoken over vamp)
No! No! Never! You can’t have it! The ring is mine, do you hear me?!?!

SAM
No, Mr. Frodo. I meant on the telephone.

FRODO
I’m so sorry, Sam. But you can see how I’d be confused, since there are no telephones in Middle Earth.

SAM
Oh, you’re right, Mr. Frodo. I’m sorry. I’m so fat.

FRODO
It’s all right, Sam. Because…

[sings]
You’re precious!
Precious!
Yes, you!

SAM
You don’t care that I’m obese.

FRODO
Distress us!
Upset us!
We’ll still get through!

SAM
Can we eat now, pretty please?

(They exit. GOLLUM enters)

GOLLUM
Yes, Precious!
You’re Precious
To us!
(There, there, Smeagol…)

With bad grammar
We stammer
And cuss!
(We’ll buy you a beagle…)

(Just go and kill the hobbitses
Then we gets Precious back!)
The master’s been so good to us!
(But the fat one talks some smack.)

We hates him ’cause he cruelly bruised
Our Gandhi-esque physique.
(But we’ll teach hobbits not to mess
With a schizophrenic freak.)

And get Precious!
(Precious!)
It’s ours!
(And then we’ll get you a girl…)

Their fleshes
We’ll threshes!
(Then we’ll shower.)
Great advice, My Plural!

FINALE
”OH, MY LORD OF THE RINGS!”

GANDALF
If you’re feelin’ down
And your smile is saggin’

GOSPEL CHOIR
Lord of the Rings!

GANDALF
Just think about the tale
Of Frodo Baggins

GOSPEL CHOIR
Lord of the Rings!

GANDALF
He was just a furry-footed kid from the Shire,
But he walked through the valley of Sauron’s fire

GOSPEL CHOIR
Oh my Lord, Lord, Lord
Lord of the Rings!
(Lord of the Rings!)

ELROND
If it’s a Capricorn’s world and you’re a Leo

GOSPEL CHOIR
Lord of the Rings!

ELROND
And people keep askin’ if you killed Neo

GOSPEL CHOIR
Lord of the Rings!

ELROND
Well, get this straight
And take a gander, son:
I’m not the guy who says ”Mr. Anderson!”

GOSPEL CHOIR
Lord of the Rings!
Lord of the Rings!
(Lord of the Rings!)

[interlude]

GANDALF
So if you get tripped by a big ol’ demon

GOSPEL CHOIR
Lord of the Rings!

GANDALF
And you fall down a chasm hearin’ Frodo screamin’

GOSPEL CHOIR
Lord of the Rings!

GANDALF
Take the demon by the horns
And fight, fight, fight!
And you’ll be born again…
?as Gandalf the White!

GOSPEL CHOIR
Oh my Lord, Lord, Lord
Lord of the Rings!
(Lord of the Rings!)

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