Who’ll win ”Bachelor”? We give final odds
Brace yourself for a Firestone blowout. On Sunday, May 18 (ABC, 9-11 p.m.), ”The Bachelor” tire scion Andrew Firestone will choose his blushing bride-to-be, a happy moment sure to be drowned out by the hysterical, wounded-hyena wailing of the runner-up. To prepare for that big night, we’ve used the principles of reality-TV science (and some leftover high school algebra) to place odds on which bachelorette will get her man:
KIRSTEN There’s no denying this model-perfect Floridian has a face and figure that could make grown men roll on the floor chanting, ”I’m a naughty French poodle!” Oh, if only she never had to open her mouth! It’s not just, like, the screechy Valley-speak that spills from those perfect lips. Kirsten has all the substance of a manicure kit. Even her job, working as a merchant for the Shopping Network, whispers ”bimbo.” Still, for a blonde in brunette packaging, she was savvy enough to suck up to Andy’s pals Kevin and Shannon. No matter. Even though Andy slobbers all over her like a double bacon cheeseburger, ”hot and vapid” is usually the description for the stripper at the bachelor party, not the gal wearing white on the wedding day.
Odds 5 to 1
JEN We’d call the mellow account executive a sly little minx if she weren’t so darn nice. While the rest of the girls were clawing and spitting for Andy’s attention like feral marmots, Jen smiled sweetly on the sidelines, a mirror image of Marcia Brady, only of legal age and with better highlights. Honestly, with her picture-perfect family in Cleveland, she couldn’t be more wholesome if you smeared her with apple pie, wrapped her in an American flag, and spanked her with Spongebob Squarepants. Even though our bachelor is a shameless hooch peddler, he’s clearly looking for the woman who will bear his children and suffer bravely as they suck the life out of her, and Jen couldn’t be a better candidate. Andy has gushed about her nurturing attitude, and she doesn’t look so bad in a bathing suit, either. All Jen has to do to snag that final flower is play it like the winner she is.
Odds 2 to 1