1 The Core Hilary Swank takes scientists to the center of the earth to fix its haywire electromagnetic field. The plan is to get down there, jiggle it, and yell up, ”Did that do anything?”
2 Daylight saving time You lose an hour of sleep the first Sunday in April. But you get it back the next day at your desk.
3 Our troops They’re doing well in the ratings. Wait, if they’re the stars, shouldn’t they get a cut of the profits?
4 Saddam Hussein There’s no way to tell if he’s dead or alive from his television appearances. Kind of like Alan Greenspan.
5 Michael Moore What gives liberal entertainers the right to push their wacky views on the public? Everyone knows only conservative radio hosts are allowed to do that.
6 Tiger Woods After vomiting 20 to 30 times from food poisoning from home-cooked pasta, he still won the Bay Hill Invitational by 11 strokes. Nike will start selling Tiger Woods’ At-Home E-Z Pasta next month.
7 Rudy James Woods plays the former NYC mayor. He really nails the comb-over.
8 Joe Millionaire He and Zora have called it quits. Seems they didn’t like the same reality shows.
9 April Fools’ Day The one day each year dedicated to lies and deceit. Or as politicians like to call it, just another day.
10 Final Flight of the Osiris The nine-and-a-half-minute computer-generated short is in theaters priming the audience for The Matrix Reloaded. Some people even stay to see Dreamcatcher.
11 Toad the Wet Sprocket Band members may go solo again after their latest reunion tour. Which should free up their schedules for another reunion tour.
12 Chicago The movie musical danced off with six Academy Awards, including Best Picture. Had the votes actually been tallied in Chicago, it would have had all 13.
13 Head of State Chris Rock and Bernie Mac run for office. If they win, it won’t be the first time two clowns have been elected.
14 Roman Polanski The fugitive long shot won Best Director for The Pianist. He didn’t even see the show — his date wanted to watch SpongeBob.
15 Harvey Weinstein He was so happy with Chicago he wants to make more musicals. He’s having a bunch of happy, snappy show tunes written for Gangs of New York.