1 Duct tape That’s the Department of Homeland Security’s new $100 million idea to protect us. What are we supposed to do with it — throw it at the terrorists?
2 Joe & Zora Millionaire So he lied about having $50 million. At least he didn’t lie about being single.
3 Frenchie Davis The talented American Idol contestant was booted off the Fox show for her racy Internet past. But if she had slept with Joe Millionaire, they’d have broadcast it live.
4 France bashing Those French! How dare they protest the war! They’re acting like New Yorkers.
5 Survivor: The Amazon In this one, they separate the teams into girls and boys. So why would anyone want to survive?
6 Robert Blake Barbara Walters has snagged him for a jailhouse interview. We don’t know whether she’ll get him to cry, but she’s already made his lawyers weep.
7 Yao Ming mania Advertisers can’t get enough of the 7-foot-5-inch Houston Rocket. Until someone bigger comes along.
8 Are You Hot? It’s American Idol for the pumping-iron set. Also known as Are You Big and Stupid?
9 Dark Blue Kurt Russell plays an L.A. cop trying to solve a multiple homicide. ”First you tell me it’s a quadruple murder, and now you’re telling me we got four dead bodies?”
10 My Big Fat Greek Life Nia Vardalos’ sitcom picks up where the movie left off. And a much better title than Everybody Loves Nikki or How Greek Was My Valley.
11 The Dell dude The actor who played the stoner selling computers got busted with a bag of grass. But he got a great deal on it.
12 Chicago It raked in a lucky 13 Oscar nods. Imagine how many they’d have gotten if they had used singers and dancers.
13 The Spice Girls Bitchy, Trendy, Smelly, Fussy, and Thumper say they’re getting together for dinner, not a reunion. At least they haven’t been completely forgotten.
14 Michael Jackson A plastic surgeon says the pop star has had more than 50 operations on his face. Jackson maintains it was two — a nose job and a face transplant.
15 Life is a cab away New York City taxis will stop using celebrity recordings that tell you to buckle your seat belt. It’ll be the first time anyone has been able to shut up Joan Rivers.