”Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark conspiracy to make those of us not in relationships feel like s — -,” says designer Jen Bilik. Which is why she created — just in time for the holiday — a ”How to Find True Love” poster. A 23 1/2” x 35 3/4” road map to courtship and romance, it’s the ”perfect gift for a guy or a girl who’s feeling confused about the process,” says Bilik. The chart is about as difficult to follow as an Alias/24 double feature, but those who persevere can enjoy refs to dating highs (”He calls you!”), and have a giggle — or a cry — at dating lows (”He turns out to be a name-dropping, place-dropping [‘When I was in the Haaahmptons…’] pompous ass”). Already, the primer has been making the Hollywood rounds — Gilmore Girl Lauren Graham and Kelly Osbourne are among the celebs who own the broadsheet ($15, knockknock.biz). Who knows, next V-Day you could be on the other side of the Hallmark divide.