1 SUPER BOWL ADS They try to make them as memorable as possible, so drunk fans will know what to loot after the game.
2 THE OSBOURNES Their show is down 52 percent from its peak. Compared with Anna Nicole Smith, they’re starting to look normal.
3 DIRTY MOUTHS The FCC says it no longer gets many complaints when people swear on live television. When they do, they tell callers, ”We haven’t got time for that bulls — -.”
4 KINGPIN The series about a vicious drug lord and his family will try to bring Sopranos-like grit to network TV. Why can’t they bring more Simpsons-like grit to network TV?
5 SHANGHAI KNIGHTS Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson play kung fu cowboys in Victorian England. Crouching Abbott, Hidden Costello.
6 BRRR! Half of the country has been stuck in a bitter, weeks-long cold spell. Weather forecasters have even come up with a name for it: winter.
7 HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS Tell him you want to set a date for the wedding.
8 CHINESE NEW YEAR It’s the Year of the Goat. Payroll says unused vacation days from the Year of the Horse cannot be carried over.
9 AMERICAN IDOL A record 26.5 million people watched the sadistic season opener. It makes you wonder how well a show called Public Whippings would do.
10 JOE THOUSANDAIRE USA Today reports pickup artists are writing their phone numbers on fake ATM receipts that show a six-figure balance. Right. At the National Bank of Stupid.
11 META The current word for movies about making movies, novels about writing novels, art about art… It replaces the words pretentious inside joke.
12 CHEECH AND CHONG GET BLUNT The stoner team will reunite after 18 years to make a new movie. Great, man. You know who’d be good in that? Cheech and Chong.
13 MUJIBUR AND SIRAJUL Letterman’s souvenir-store buddies have been forced out of show business by a rent increase. The price of a sandwich at Rupert’s deli just doubled.
14 TEEN MILLIONAIRES People says heiress Athina Onassis Roussel, 18, is worth $800 mil. It was a billion before she got a cell phone.
15 QUEENS SUPREME No wonder CBS’ courtroom dramedy bit the dust after just three episodes. Dame Edna and Latifah made up its entire audience.
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