1 GOLDEN GLOBES The awards given out by the Hollywood foreign press. Or a great name for a new men’s magazine.
2 DIANA ROSS She got arrested on a DUI charge. That’s hard to do when you have a chauffeur.
3 AMERICA’S PRINCE: THE JOHN F. KENNEDY JR. STORY America’s Morons: They Watch This Trash.
4 JOE MILLIONAIRE Women who think he’s a millionaire are actually fighting over a construction worker. You need a $7,000 plasma-screen TV for this?
5 50 CENT The up-and-coming rap star is in trouble with the law for alleged gun possession. After he finishes paying all his lawyers, he’ll be Not a Cent.
6 THE PIANIST Some critics have named it Best Movie of the Year. Right after it won their coveted Least Seen Movie of the Year award.
7 JUST MARRIED A disastrous honeymoon nearly breaks up a new marriage. A nice long pregnancy should finish it for good.
8 PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS ”It’s an honor to think that all the people who sit in front of the tube all day and have no life voted for me.”
9 CADILLAC SIXTEEN A fully loaded 1,000-horsepower, V-16, $200,000 Caddy. It also automatically turns off your left blinker after five minutes.
10 AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS Underpaid, overworked musicians getting a little recognition for their thankless jobs. Unlike those publicity-seeking teachers.
11 AMIANNOYING.COM In this twist on AmIHot.com, you vote for your least favorite celebrity. Can you vote ”All of the Above”?
12 MONTE WALSH Cowpoke Tom Selleck doesn’t like the idea of Eastern jerks buying up all the Western land. He wants Western jerks to buy it up.
13 HYBRID CARS These low-pollution gas/electric vehicles are becoming a status symbol with Hollywood stars. They drive them to their private planes.
14 SANTA ANA WINDS They slam into coastal California towns from the desert at 100 mph — making it hard to feel the earthquakes.
15 GRAMMY NOMINATIONS Avril Lavigne, Eminem, Norah Jones, and Bruce Springsteen got multiple nods. You wonder if they’ve even heard of each other.
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