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Better than a Globe or Oscar? The EW.com Awards

Forget those obvious Golden Globe categories. We honor 10 stars for the talents that REALLY deserve attention

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Salma Hayek
Salma Hayek: Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage.com

Salma Hayek
Image credit: Salma Hayek: Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage.com

The Best One-Up of J. Lo Award goes to…

Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek wins an EW.com Award

FOR ”Frida”

WHY? It’s hard to believe so many actresses were competing to wear excess facial hair. Jennifer Lopez, Laura San Giacomo, Hayek, and even Madonna have considered Frida Kahlo biopics over the years. But in 2000 only Lopez and Hayek were in the final round. The Mexican firebrand smoked the competition by stepping up as a producer, recruiting Miramax to foot the bill, signing Broadway director Julie Taymor to direct, and asking a cavalcade of stars (Ashley Judd, Antonio Banderas, Edward Norton, Geoffrey Rush) to provide cameos. J. Lo never stood a chance. She’d better hope Salma doesn’t set her sights on Ben.

(Golden Globe nomination: Actress in a Leading Role — Drama)

Jennifer Aniston
Image credit: Jennifer Aniston: Jean-Paul Aussenard/WireImage.com

The All This and Brad Pitt Too? Award goes to…

Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston wins an EW.com Award

FOR ”Friends”

WHY? First it was that inimitable Rachel ‘do. Then she managed to drag Über-hottie Brad Pitt down the aisle, a feat even Gwyneth couldn’t pull off. But then, as if being prettier, richer, and more happily married than the rest of us mere mortals weren’t enough of a slap in the face, she had to go and prove she could act. In addition to her snazzy reviews for ”The Good Girl,” she’s been getting praise for riding Rachel’s hormonal roller coaster through pregnancy, motherhood, and Ross-induced angst. We’d root for her to win a Globe to put next to her Emmy — if only we weren’t so friggin’ jealous.

(Golden Globe nomination: Actress in a Leading Role — Television Series)

Jack Nicholson
Image credit: Jack Nicholson Photograph by Martin Schoeller

The Finally Acting Your Age Award goes to…

Jack Nicholson

Jack Nicholson wins an EW.com Award

FOR ”About Schmidt”

WHY? Admit it: When Nicholson hooked up with a thirtysomething Helen Hunt in ”As Good as It Gets,” you were too busy calculating their age difference and shuddering with distaste to pay attention to the plot. Finally, just as the 65-year-old becomes eligible for Social Security, he’s wised up about his leading ladies. In ”Schmidt,” his wife is played by 67-year-old June Squibb, and his nekkid hot-tub partner is Kathy Bates, 54. Even better, he’ll be getting it on with Diane Keaton, 57, in an untitled film shooting later this year. Sure, he may be working out his post-midlife crisis with young pup Lara Flynn Boyle when the cameras aren’t rolling. But that’s Hollywood — which, of course, is even farther from real life than what we see in the movies.

(Golden Globe nomination: Actor in a Leading Role — Drama)

Nicole Kidman
Image credit: Nicole Kidman: Steve Granitz/WireImage.com; The Hours: Clive Coote

The Takes It by a Nose Award goes to…

Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman wins an EW.com Award

FOR ”The Hours”

WHY? Sure, DiCaprio bulked up, Day-Lewis screwed in a fake eye, and Hayek glued on a unibrow to disappear into their characters. But no one can top Kidman’s impressive nosedive into Dowdyville for ”The Hours.” That little plastic proboscis did more than transform the ”Moulin Rouge” diva into a plain Jane with suicidal tendencies. More importantly, it allowed viewers to stop thinking, ”Hey, that’s the former Mrs. Tom Cruise!” and focus on the emotionally grueling storyline. If Nicole nabs the Globe, let’s hope she leaves a little spot on the mantel for that faux sniffer, too.

(Golden Globe nomination: Actress in a Leading Role — Drama)

The Simpsons
Image credit: The Simpsons: Fox

The It’s About $#@%$!! Time Award goes to…

The Simpsons

The Simpsons win an EW.com Award

FOR ”The Simpsons”

WHY? While Emmy voters have been handing out statuettes to this indefatigably funny show for years, the Hollywood Foreign Press has snubbed the series for quality fare like, um, ”Cybill.” D’oh! That wrong has finally been righted with the first Globes nomination for Homer’s clan. If they don’t take home the gold, we may finally have to accept that ”don’t have a cow, man” just doesn’t translate into other languages.

(Golden Globe nomination: Best Television Series — Musical or Comedy)

Goldie Hawn
Image credit: Goldie Hawn: Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

The Why a Golden Globe Ain’t an Oscar Award goes to…

Goldie Hawn

Goldie Hawn wins an EW.com Award

FOR ”The Banger Sisters”

WHY? We wouldn’t dream of dissing Goldie: The gal deserves unmitigated awe simply for looking good at the age of 57 in a skanky rock-chick wardrobe. In fact, as a latter-day version of daughter Kate Hudson’s groupie character Penny Lane, Hawn offers an amusing coda to the far better film ”Almost Famous.” But come on — an award nomination for the ”The Banger Sisters”? Giving this schlocky estrogenfest even a glimmer of recognition suggests that the Hollywood Foreign Press has been reading too many Hallmark cards. Hawn may deserve credit for soldiering through lame dialogue like ”See that toilet? Jim Morrison passed out in there one night with me underneath him.” But let’s not give statuettes where combat pay is the more appropriate response.

(Golden Globe nomination: Actress in a Leading Role — Musical or Comedy)

Daniel Day-Lewis
Image credit: Daniel Day Lewis: Dennis Van Tine/LFI UDV

The Thank God You’re Back! Award goes to…

Daniel Day-Lewis

Daniel Day-Lewis wins an EW.com Award

FOR ”Gangs of New York”

WHY? After 1997’s ”The Boxer,” Daniel Day-Lewis ditched Hollywood, muttering about wanting to be a shoemaker and a good father or some other annoyingly un-Hollywood claptrap. Left in the lurch were film junkies who couldn’t get enough of his searing performances in ”My Left Foot” and ”In the Name of the Father.” With ”Gangs of New York,” we get a big juicy bite of Day-Lewis at his most ambitious: He masters a bizarre 19th-century New York accent, the art of butchering (men and meat), and definitely holds his own against a mussed-up Leonardo DiCaprio. Some spoilsports have called his larger-than-life performance camp, but would you expect anything less from a guy called Bill the Butcher? Let’s just hope he doesn’t run away again.

(Golden Globe nomination: Actor in a Leading Role — Drama)

Renee Zellweger, Chicago, ...
Image credit: Chicago: Albert Watson

The Best Life Imitating Art Award goes to…

Renee Zellweger and Catherine Zeta-Jones

Renee Zellweger and Catherine Zeta-Jones win an EW.com Award

FOR ”Chicago”

WHY? Golden Globes voters must have really enjoyed Zeta-Jones and Zellweger’s man-murdering vaudevillians who vie for the spotlight on screen — because these dual nominations are as close as we’ll get to a real-life rematch. Even though Zeta-Jones has the smaller role, choosing between these two is a tough call: Both women display precise footwork, surprisingly strong singing, and a whole lot of that old razzle-dazzle. These gals aren’t likely to resort to the shady escapades of their characters as they compete for the Globe, but the Beverly Hilton should get metal detectors, just in case.

(Golden Globe nominations: Actress in a Leading Role — Musical or Comedy)

Sarah Jessica Parker
Image credit: Sarah Jessica Parker: LFI

The Best Use of Handbags and Chunky Sweaters Award goes to…

Sarah Jessica Parker

Sarah Jessica Parker wins an EW.com Award

FOR ”Sex and the City”

WHY? Over the decades, many a pregnant actress has hidden behind a potted palm to camouflage her burgeoning belly. But Parker took the art of maternity-masking to new heights (and we’re not just talking about her minihemlines). Firmly planted on her Manolo Blahnik stilettos, she waddled beneath a heavy weight of hat boxes and supersize purses, put a fashionable spin on hopelessly retro empire waistlines, and tried to distract us with tube tops and miles of leg. When the delicate silk flowers of seasons past mutated into terrifying man-eating blossoms, the gig was up. Still, Parker managed to follow Carrie’s first commandment: She was never less than stylish.

(Golden Globe nomination: Actress in a Leading Role — Comedy Series)

Larry David
Image credit: Larry David: Tom Rodriguez/Globe Photos

The Award for the Person Least Likely to Accept It goes to…

Larry David

Larry David wins an EW.com Award

FOR ”Curb Your Enthusiasm”

WHY? Whether or not you like ”Curb,” you’ve got to root for David to take the prize. If anyone is likely to give us the caustic, self-loathing acceptance speech we’ve always dreamed of, it’s this alternately lovable and loathsome ball of neuroses. In sharp contrast to the usual awards show patter, David’s comments might actually be funny.

(Golden Globe nomination: Actor in a Leading Role — Musical or Comedy Series)

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