1 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS If we always break them, why don’t we all get smart by resolving to gain weight and do less exercise?
2 CHICAGO The movie version of the musical is expected to be a big hit. Because you don’t have to go through O’Hare to get to it.
3 FRIENDS The six stars have agreed to do a 10th season for around $1 million dollars per episode. The bad news is they’ll only get 34 weeks of vacation.
4 HOOTERS AIR The restaurant chain’s owner bought a tiny airline. You’d think airplanes and airheads were made for each other.
5 GOLLUM ”Should the Lord of the Rings’ human-but-digitized character be eligible for acting awards?” asks the Botox, collagen, plastic-surgery crowd.
6 TED KOPPEL The newsman is suing some of his neighbors, saying their houses are too big. They block the view from the pool deck of his grand ballroom.
7 ELVIS’ BIRTHDAY He’d be 68 this year. Let’s deep-fry him a cake.
8 POWERBALL A millionaire from West Virginia won the $315 million jackpot. He’s planning to put new cinder blocks under every car in the state.
9 CLONED BABIES The Raelians claim they have cloned the first human infant. Big deal. Call me when you clone a nanny.
10 MCDONALD’S A memo to the franchises says they’re changing the recipe for burgers. And I’m starting to notice fewer deer on the road.
11 THE CROOKED E CBS’ made-for-TV version of Enron’s multibillion-dollar fraud. Winona Ryder’s sentence is probably stiffer than what these guys will get.
12 MAN PURSES A place for men to put their PDAs, cell phones, chargers, and adapters. And an extra pair of panty hose.
13 J.K. ROWLING The Harry Potter author made six times more than Queen Elizabeth last year. But then, unlike the Queen, Rowling actually did something.
14 JULIANNE MOORE She says it’s nicer to kiss women on screen than men because women smell better. Of course we stink — you make us take out all the garbage.
15 FEELIN’ LUCKY? Clint Eastwood is suing an unauthorized biographer for libel. He wants $10 million and permission to beat the crap out of the guy.