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EW's New Year's resolutions for music biggest names

EW’s New Year’s resolutions for music biggest names. Here’s a variety of ways to shake, rattle, and roll an ailing, ego-driven music biz

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Christina Aguilera
Christina Aguilera Illustration by Anita Kunz

Sure, the recording industry can look back with pride on a thing or two from the past year. But when you’ve got one pop diva talkin’ drugs on prime time, another gearing up for her third marriage, and a rock star who’s gone from wearing tight leather pants to panting through his songs, it’s time to be a-changin’. With that in mind, EW has come up with New Year’s resolutions for everyone — from a certain whiny singer-songwriter to the country of Sweden.

— Whitney ”Crack Is Wack” Houston should worry less about the quality of her drugs and more about the quality of her music.

— Sweden, land of media-hogging bands such as the Soundtrack of Our Lives and the Hives, should stop dominating the alt-rock buzz bin. Finland is getting jealous.

— The programming-challenged VH1 should make more wise decisions like canceling Liza & David before it even aired.

— 2Pac, wherever he is, should stop releasing albums. You’re freaking us out, man.

— Some enterprising TV network should do us all a favor and give Kid Rock a talk show.

— The Band-Aid company should get Nelly on board as a company spokesman.

— MTV’s ”The Real World” producers should cast one ugly roommate. And if they’re really ready to abandon the formula, maybe a smart one, too.

— The industry should implement a per-minute fine for every CD that exceeds 70 minutes, thus sparing us more padded double discs.

— Label execs should give Afro-bohemia (think India.Arie, Cody ChesnuTT, Beyonce’s brief pseudo-’70s frizz) the nurturing it deserves. Isn’t it about time for a new urban trend?

— Somebody should get Damon Albarn’s Gorillaz their own TV show. There hasn’t been a funkier, quirkier animated band since the Jackson 5 turned ‘toon.

— Bizzers should learn the difference between ”punk” and punks who act like they know what the term means (think Avril Lavigne, Sum 41, Good Charlotte, etc.).

— Labels should continue marking down CD prices.

— Alan ”I Don’t Know the Difference Between Iraq and Iran” Jackson should bone up on his geography.

— Ryan Adams should write 12 first-rate songs instead of 125 mediocre ones.

— Christina Aguilera should wear pants once in a while.