1 THE RISING You can’t watch TV without seeing a plug for Bruce’s album. Tonight on This Old House they’re fixing his bathroom.
2 SIGNS Mysterious crop circles show up in Mel Gibson’s corn-fields. It’s either extraterrestrials or one hell of a raccoon problem.
3 BRITNEY SPEARS She ran off the stage in Mexico City after performing just four songs. She’s got only herself to blame — everyone told her not to drink the water.
4 ROB LOWE He’s leaving The West Wing because he’s getting only $70,000 an episode. How can they expect someone to live on that?
5 FULL FRONTAL Julia Roberts and friends poke fun at pretentious Hollywood stars and assembly-line moviemaking. The same thing we do all day for much less money.
6 COLONIAL HOUSE PBS will find modern families to live the way our ancestors did in the 1600s. I’ll volunteer when they get to Trump Tower House.
7 TONYA PAONI Can the busty blonde make a career out of her 15 minutes on Big Brother 3? Are you kidding? On Fox News that qualifies her to be a pundit.
8 WIDOWS Three women decide to nip the painting their husbands died trying to steal. Great, they’re dead and their wives are still telling them how to do things.
9 THE ANNA NICOLE SHOW Producers are debating whether to show her nude scenes or not. And NASCAR is debating whether to show accidents or not.
10 CELINE DION She’s developing her own fragrance. What to wear when you want to catch a man old enough to be your father.
11 THE LAWYER’S DIET A guy is suing fast food chains alleging that they made him obese. Next he’ll take on La-Z-Boy recliners.
12 ERIN BROCKOVICH The real one will host a reality series next year about women who buck the system and win. The losers will still appear on Jerry Springer.
13 HAIRSPRAY A musical based on the movie is Broadway’s new hot ticket. Grease and Hair were also big stage hits. What’s next — The Crew Cut? Pomade?
14 PENNSYLVANIA RESCUE CNN’s ratings rose to six times normal. People looking for coal-mining jobs — six times less than normal.
15 THE MASTER OF DISGUISE Dana Carvey plays 36 different characters. It must be in his contract that each one gets a cut.