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Dana Carvey answers 10 stupid questions

Dana Carvey answers 10 stupid questions. The ”Master of Disguise” star dishes on Simon Cowell and finally answers the age-old ”SNL” question about Pat’s sexuality

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Dana Carvey
Dana Carvey: Dennis Van Tine/London Features

Mike Myers isn’t the only ”Saturday Night Live” uber-vet with enough comedic juices left to fuel a summer blockbuster. After recovering from a botched heart surgery that had all the makings of a bad ”SNL” skit (his doctor operated on the wrong artery), Dana Carvey, 47, is back in theaters as the multi-faced Pistachio Disguisey in ”Master of Disguise” (August 2). EW.com caught up with the master impressionist for 10 stupid questions.

Paula Abdul choreographed a bit of your new movie. How do you think you’d do if you took a character like ”Saturday Night Live”’s Derek Stevens onto ”American Idol” and sang ”Choppin’ Broccoli”?
I’d get Simon’s wrath. I’m gonna call Simon for his feedback once ”Master of Disguise” comes out because I have a self-loathing side to my personality. [In a Simon voice] ”I thought you were AB-solutely awful. AB-solutely terrible. Did not impress me WHAT-soever.” But Derek Stevens would probably win the whole damn thing. Anybody who sings about chopping vegetables deserves some sort of prize.

You just did Simon, is there anyone else out there you’ve been dying to do lately?
I love Dr. Phil. I love those metaphors like, ”You’re a teacup… but you got no tea in you.” What?

On top of being the ”Master of Disguise,” you’re arguably the master of impressions. So, how do you do the Dana Carvey impression?
For Dana Carvey, you just get in the corner with a book and you wear a hat and you have little glasses. Basically, I AM Garth. I have no personality. I have no face. Look at my face! Who am I? No one ever recognizes me.

Are there any impressions you’ve struggled with?
It took me a little while to get The Crocodile Hunter. Like: ”Thees is the moomba-joomba feesh. The most pah-waful feesh in the wooorld. Ah put me head right neeya its pah-waful jaws, ‘cuz I’m a freakin’ eediot.”

George Bush is probably your most famous impression. What were you thinking when you realized he’d be back in the spotlight with his son’s presidency?
Oh happy day! Now I’m thinking of going off-Broadway with myself as a father-son act where George W. has a chip implanted in his head so his dad can talk to him all the time. ”Big daddy to little daddy…big daddy to little daddy…come in, come in.”

With Will Farrell gone, ”SNL” needs a new George W. Bush. If I gave you everything in my wallet right now and promised you my soul at death, would you go back on the show and do Dubbaya?
[The show] is just not for a guy with a kid. It’s really based on going to bed at 4 a.m. I can’t sleep in ’til one and then ask, ”How are the kids? Are they at school, honey?”

Are there any Dana Carvey ”SNL” characters that SHOULD have been made into movies?
I wrote ”Hans and Franz: The Girly-Man Dilemma.” ”Massive Head-wound Harry” could have been a feature. ”Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual.” I see ”The McLaughlin Report” as a feature.

You were at ”SNL” for the ”It’s Pat” era. Seriously: Guy or girl?
It possesses both sexual organs.

And you saw this?
Julia Sweeney and I went out one night and tied it on.

Hans and Franz were also suspiciously overprotective about their sexuality. Any funny stuff going on in the locker room that we weren’t privy to?
Not really. They just don’t like buttocks that are fat. But they’re not gay!